my blog XP

The border between private and personal is blurred... very blurred.

January 4, 2026

Today sucked. I got really bad bottom dysphoria on the 3rd. I like Blitzwing now. Got an ask on my art blog. It's about ocs. Anons gonna regret asking me.... Oh boy. Buying the computer is coming along. Still don't have it but. We're getting there. Dysphoria is hitting me hard right now. I fucking hate my body. It sucks. Had to have a shower. I fucking hate showers. Been thinking a lot about Transformers (what's new) and I really gotta re-write the sparkplay. It's not engagin enough. It feels like you're watching them through a window. Not good. Binders suck but I'm never gonna be able to get top surgery (I might, I just don't have any hope) so I gotta stick with them. I don't like wearing them. But they do kinda make you flatter. Not good enough thought.

Le 2 Janvier 2026

14:48

J'en ai marre, de vivre, de ma famille, du monde. Je veux partir, je veux vivre dans le monde des Transformer. Ça sonne immature, mais je le dit quand même. Ce monde me donne un liberté qu'il me semble que je n’aie jamais connue.

Il me semble, parfois, que je n'ai rien à perdre. Je le sais bien que ce n'est pas le cas, mais ça ne m’empêche pas de penser comme ça. C'est une pensé si simple, si centré sur moi-même, et c'est précisément cela que je veut.

Je veut tuer quelqu'un. Je veut donner même une fraction de la rage et de la souffrance que je connais. C'est méchant, c'est ignoble, mais tout ces mot grandiose ne veulent rien dire. Nous jouons tous un jeu bien trop grand pour connaître son vrais sens, et ceux qui disent qu'ils connaissent la vérité ne le sachent pas. Ils ont si peur de la vérité, que le seul jeux qu'ils jouent, c'est le leurs, qu'ils en créent un nouveau, un simple, pour se donner l'impression qu'ils sachent de quoi ils parlent. Ils sont simple, ils on peur, ils sont faible. Je ne le suis pas.

À la fin, ce que je veut ne veut rien dire. Je veut quelqu'un qui me tiens en haut, au top du monde. Je veut quelqu'un qui me voit comme un dieu, comme la vérité ultime, le tout, le vide, l'amour la haine, la peine et la joie. Je veut être le monde entier de quelqu'un. Je veut sentir comme on a besoin de moi, que je suis le truc qui leur manquais pour que la vie soit complète. Et ce monde, cette vérité, je le donne au Transformer. C'est pour cela que je veut vivre là.

J'ai le pouvoir, dans ce monde, de créé des personnage et de leurs donnée une importance d'une magnitude imposante. J'ai le pouvoir de prendre de ce que j'ai'd besoin sans bataille, sans mort et sans peine. Je peut créé comme je veut, comme bon il me semble.

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New Year: 2026

2025 has been a pretty good year for me. I didn't acomplish much by average standards, but I really don't mind. I think I did just right.

I took a film course, where I spent two weeks in a group with complete strangers (who were all younger than me, which was weird. I'm never the oldest in a group!) filming a short movie. I had a really hard time those two weeks, and it really helped me understand just how hard finishing high school would have been. I don't think I would have made it. I'm very glad I stopped after grade nine. And despite this feeling kinda mean, I'm really glad my life sucked as much as it did. If I hadn't ended up depressed I wouldn't be near as.. fullfilled as I am now.

Now, make no mistake, I'm not extremely fullfilled feeling. There's lots of empty spaces in my life, between action and inaction, between emotion and neutrality, in confusing visits to the doctors where I fail to write down the dosage to which to increase my meds, in which I go "how does my physical body need to change? does it?". I wanted to start Testosterone, so I asked my doctor about that. I got refered to a clinic in my city, but haven't heard anything from them. I assume nothing is going to happen about it yet, which I don't know if I mind. I still know for sure, 100%, that I need top surgery.

My computer is dying, and it's pretty much entirely changed what my days look like. I had found a rythm, slow and high in viscosity, but now that's out of the window.

In the new year, thought resolutions mean nothing to me, I would like to hang out with my friends again. I really love them, and it's always so much fun with them. They are such amazing people, and I'm so gratefull to know them. I want to also get that computer I've been eyeing, and install Linux on it. That'll probably be complicated, but if I've made peace with my failings at the doctors office, where the pain is in my emotions, in the shame and embarasment and the humiliation and confusion, I'm sure getting Linux onto a computer will be a breeze.
Other than that, I'd like to get better at art (as per usual.). I want to do more digital art, because I see so much incredibly amazing art on tumblr, and I would like to make things like that too. Also I want to draw banger valveplug and be loved and cherished for it.
I should probably make some kind of resolution like "go outside more" but I can't be bothered. That stuff will come. I'd say something like "go to uni with my brother", which I did want to do, but.. it's definitely more complicated without a computer. I'm vaguelly considering sitting in on one of his classes. I think it's about Python, which I did code a bit in. I don't know how interesting it would be thought..

All in all, I hope 2026 goes fairly smoothly, that I get to see my friends again (which is happening, tomorrow, even) and that with all the horrible stuff that happens, it will balance out.

And before I go, because I love yapping, I want to say something. (I was going to put something about how new year means nothing to me now but it used to mean stuff to me. and how grade nine and puberty-age and my life changing has been intersting and challenging, but I'm going to say this instead:) Last new year, the clock stuck midnight and I was reading TFO Sentinel Prime smut on AO3. This year, I hope to be writting the smut as the clock chimes.

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December 31, 2025

plain. 12:57 pm

I feel like I have something to say, but nothing is coming to mind. Tomorrow is going to be the first day of 2026. That's so weird. I'm going to hang out with my friends again, which I really look forwards too. I love them so much. We're going to go to TFCON 2026 together. At least, I know for sure me and one of them are going. I need to make sure the other one is free that weekend. I really hope so. It would be so much fun if he came along too.

I'm still hanging in the middle with my computer. Pretty much all of the files from it are on PIXAL now, but I haven't done anything about all the tabs and passwords and what not still on firefox. Or on the keychain app. It's so confusing. I hope to finish up dealing with it once I've got linux up and running on the computer I have yet to purchase. I've got to do that on the 2nd.

I've been running around posting on tumblr a bunch lately, but I actually posted some art I drew of Hook. I think he's moving into my brain. I'm very happy thought, because I got some likes and reblogs, and even tags too! Somebody said that they liked the quality and consistency (in other words) of my lines, which I'm happy to hear. I was just fucking around late at night, feeling like I was going insane. It's so nice to know that other people see my art sometimes, and that they like it. It feels so nice.

I got to eat bagels again. We had run out of them, but yesterday we got more. They're from a different shop, and I think I prefer the usual place, but overall I'm very thankfull that I can eat bagels again. They are so good and yummy.

I also messed around a bit with the html tag for forms. I wanted to do something with it, but you need to use .PHP, and neocities doesn't allow that. So oh well.

Maybe I should make a new years resolution. I don't have a lot of stuff I'm working towards, thought, so I don't really know what I would do. I don't really feel the need to make a new years resolution. I guess getting a new computer and getting it running, but thats. just life? Anyways, I think I'm going to go add some more of the writing I did to my OC page.

December 28, 2025

is this even a blog. 11:51 PM

like. it feels way more like a journal you know. anyways.
I hung out at a friends place today and had an absolute blast and a half.
I've got so much free space on Anakin now I don't even know what to think. Now I have the totaly fun and awesome task of going through the apps I've got left over and making sure I don't delete anything important before moving on. I really want to get my hands on the new computer, because sitting here with a really unreliable computer is sucking ass so bad, and using this other mac sucks too, because it's only for a short amount of time. It wouldn't be the smartest on my part if I decided that using the EVEN OLDER computer as my main computer, would it... So I use it to watch DVD's and burn CDs (not as often), and now I'm logged in with neocities to keep adding... whatever I end up adding to my website.

December 27, 2025

my computer is dying. probably. 1:40AM

So I don't really have too much to say, I just wanted to update you all briefly. I really wanted to do more with my website today (technically yesterday), but on the 25th my usual laptop (which I will from now on be refering to as Anakin, because that's its name) started acting up worse than usual. Now I know Anakin isn't doing too great, I've been aware of it for a while, but I haven't really dont anything about it. I figured things would be ok, that I would have more time. But the problems persist today too, so I enslisted my brothers help to get my parents to get me a new computer (used, and he's going to help me install linux on it because no way am I going windows). In the mean time, I'm fighting with all the files I have saved. I have an external harddrive, Pixal, who has 1T of storage, but it's currently formated with the Apple formating, which is.. not great for linux. (Tangent, I do want to say that I'm worried that I'm over reacting, or that my computer is dying because I downloaded a virus or something, but it's decently old and I've been using it.. probably a bit over it's abilities.. for a while now, so it really isn't all that unlikely.)
I'm actually on an even older macbook right now, this one is from... mid 2012 (which is two years older than Anakin for those curious), but also I'm fairly sure it has a new harddrive, and also it has wayy less stuff on it and I basically don't use it.
So yep. That's pretty much today's update, but as per usual, I've been thinking a lot about transformers.
I'm going to have to get back on the grind for my usual life soon. It's kinda distressing that Anakin is slowing down and dying as much as it is. It makes me sad and scared and guilty. So I don't really know what to do with that, but I gotta keep moving forwards.

6:23 PM

So... my computer is still acting up a whole bunch, so I stay worried a bunch. I turned it off last night and turned it back on during the day and it took noticabely longer to log me in, and even to load the background. The background. I admit, I am definitelly a little more than freaked out about this. I went on Firefox and deleted a whole bunch of extensions (I had a few adblockers and some extras) so YK if it has something to do with a virus.. My brother has gotten a virus only once, and it was because of an extension. So. If nothing changes, I'm at this point just going to straight up assume that the world wants me dead and that my computer really is kicking the bucket.

I'm on the other, older macbook and I was looking at the specs and it's making me wonder why I used Anakin for as long as I have. This MID 2012 COMPUTER HAS 8 GB OF RAM. EIGHT. EIGHT. AND AN I7. and an i7!!! God those are amazing specs. Anyways. I got Pixal to use exFat, through some trials (my brother had to use his linux pc to rewrite the whatever it's called and change the drive to use the linux thing. but we managed to get it running pretty easily. Gosh I really hope I get a new computer (I say new, but it would be bought refurbished from some place in the province). I wanna get linux and make it look fun and write about transformers and update my site.

anakin anakin anakin... 10:27 PM

god i just want to die. this is such a fucking pain in the ass.

December 25, 2025

transformers.... 11:57 AM

I've been filled with longing to write more about transformers. I'm toying with some like.. rants? or essay/ personal thoughts on the franchise.. mostly because writing fanfiction is hard, I hold myself to standars too high. I would like to keep reading IDW, but I have all my tabs in one window and the spreadsheet I was using to keep track of the comics is too far away. I really need to go and kill some tabs. Just be merciless, you know. I could really use doing that on my phone too.
I got all the Christmas stuff over with yesterday thought, which is nice, because it means I can now go back to mostly regular life. I took a few pictures of some of my transformers figurines yesterday, so maybe if they are decent I'll post them on my tumblr.
On the writing about Transformers, another thing slowing me down is that I find it SO HARD to keep track of what I want to write about and the points I'm making. I just loose track of what's going on really fast. It's why it's so much easier to ramble outloud to my brother, because I don't need to keep track. I just say what comes to mind first and add context later. I should try out recording a ramble about it and see if I can use that for my writing.

tabs tabs tabs 12:52 PM

I just punted a bunch of tabs into nothingness. I'm glad, but also kinda feel like I was cheating. You see, I simply deleted the tabs but preserved the links on my website. I had like 20 tabs for TFSource, so I linked them in my wishlist. I'm currently trying to convince myself to sit down and lock in, to keep on writing about Transformers One. Kinda because I have a few tabs related to it that I could close if I finished, and kinda because I worry I'm going to forget to finish writing it if I don't do it now.

early idw.... 5:06 PM

so i didnt actually read any more transformers today (idk if i will) but i wanted to say that.. omg i wanna ramble about early idw. the idw continuity makes NO SENSE AT ALL but theres just this.. peculiarness to early idw. especially around the monstrocity, primacy and autocracys.. i really want to delve into that subject right now but i think i should do that on the reviews page instead of my litteral blog/web journal.

December 23, 2025

4:01 PM

Pretend I'm not here to bemoan the fact that there isn't enough Spark Play transformers art... I gotta rectify the situation...
But in all seriousness, what's there not to love about sparkplay??? Okay, I guess if you hate all valveplug in the first place, you might not like it, but other than that.. It hits all the boxes! Intimacy, closeness with another being! Sensation, absence of dysphoria because you just need to have a spark, and thats not disphoric! Funky light show! (bad for people with light sensitivity, I suppose.) And your still free to touch your partner lovingly, you know. I mean I always assume any sparkplay is just that, play, not like in.. is it even canon? I don't remember. Either way I prefer thinking that sparkplay is not as dramatic as some would have you believe. Because I think it would be horrible if you did spark play or merges and that you would be forever tied to the other bots spark. That's so disgustingly christian and religious and terminal that I can't stand it.

i feel kinda bad... 6:01 PM

today is my brothers day to be angry TOT i feel bad cuz i dont want hmi to be mad but also what is there that i can do? pretty much nothing. anyways, i drew these horrors today lol:

basically i realised that i wanted to see my poor poor oc being forcefed energon.... so you know, of course i should draw him like that! i hope i keep drawing transformers so that one day i will be able to make the most awesome of awesome valveplug art.

ok wait its 8:53 pm and i was looking at the art. and i think i know why he's giving me uncanny valley. its cuz everything but the bottom bits are in perspective. the bottom of his. cheek guard thingy and his chin and that area, you know.

December 22, 2025

im cold. 2:14 PM

i forgot to take my meds yesterday. oops.
i hope that when i removed the film from my camera i didnt expose it to light. im just fucking around but still what if i fucking failed and everybody at the film development place goes "what a fucking dipshit, he couldn't even remove the film from his camera without fucking up". god im so stupid fuck this shit. none of it is worth a single fucking penny.
who woulda guessed it but i slept terribly last night too. woke up a fuck tone and had weird and disturbing dreams again. (to the point where i was dreaming and IN DREAM i thought "i don't like this im going to wake up" because being awake was prefereable to being in that dream. fml
i reorganized my room a bit (pushed the matres back up aginst the wall bcz it slides awya. and i vaccumed there bcz dirty.) but room still cold and me annoyed. heater not set hight enouhg. all pillows and stuffies on bed bcz too lazy to put back. but folded blankets, which good.

pick a side, please 10:24 PM

My day hasnt been great. Spent a whole bunch of time waffling around my emotions. They cant seem to decide if i want to kill myself or not. I've had like 4 or 5 moodswings today. I go from extaxic to depressed and right back. I don't know why and also OH MY FUCKING GOD IS IT HARD TO LIVE LIKE THIS. I'd usually go "i just need to make it to tomorrow" because usually sleeping helps, but now I can't do that, because who knows! Maybe in five minutes i will want to live as gloriously possible!!

December 20, 2025

intersting 9:27 PM

Today was bizare. I crashed pretty bad in the afternoon, so I've been in purgatry hell to stay calm. (My bedroom, in the dark, with the heater running. Music optional.) I'm writing fanfiction now, which is good. I also realised I should make a Hot Rod shrine. I like that guy enough for that , I think. Apart from that, today's been pretty bland. I hope tomorrow is ok, because I have to have a shower. That's going to be dificult.

bedtime.. 11:30 PM

as much as i'd like to keep writing fanfiction, i think its bedtime. crazy early, compared to my usual 1-2AM, but oh well. fuck that you know. i dont really know what else i would write, im running out of steam. tomorrow i ought to write more again. and link the tfone page from the shrine page. maybe make a hot rod shrine. anyways. im not that tired but i am bored and dont really wanna be alive right now so i think just going to bed would be smart. i don't look forwards to tomorrow. i'll have to do my best regardless. i feel lonely again. strange. ive been listening to some french songs today and damn i wish i knew more french artists. its so easy to find english songs, but for some reason french ppl & bands are way harder. i gotta put more effort into it, i think.

December 19, 2025

my eyes burn. 12:56 AM

My eyes burn so bad from sitting in front of my computer with no other lights on. I really need to turn on a light. I'm only here right now because I gotta turn off my computer and because I wanted to give y'all an update. I replied to the email (I really hope its an ok response) and I'm tired AS FUCK. I can tell I'm tired because mentally I feel like shit. Who the fuck am I. What am I. Why don't I feel complete, like there's more to me... than meets the eye. Nothing is as simple as "my name is [REDACTED]." Because that's not my name. But no other name is me either. I can never find anything that gets me. I just get bits and pieces and I'm supposed to make one whole person out of these wildly different parts. It's so confusing and frustrating. I wish I knew who I was, I wish I didn't feel disphoric, I wish my life was easier. FUck I need to go to bed. I didn't sleep a lot last night (and didn't have a nap in the afternoon), which I think is a reasonable reason for me feeling so shitty. I haven't met my quota of sleep needed to feel ok at 1AM

dreams are bizare. 10:00 AM

Firstly, I would like to apoligize for updating my site so frequently. It's pretty much the main lense of how I see my life, at the moment. Now that that's down, lets get to the important stuff. It's raining outside. I don't mind the rain, but I kinda wish it was snowing instead... It's december 19! Come on! I really want a white christmas. For 8 year old me.
Last night I had weird dreams again. Unpleasant. I woke up at like 6AM, and it was only really after that that I had dreams. It was about how I was trying to get all these stink bugs out of my bedroom, but they just kept coming back. It's a pretty boring dream when I write it out, but I'm still thinking about it. I also kinda wish that I would stop waking up so often. I have to get out of bed before 11AM, because I wake up early now, so I really would like to maximise the helpfullness of my sleep. Especially with the fact that I'm still going to bed late? I'm in a lose lose situtation atm.
Moving on from that, I'd like to do some writing today. Either fanfiction, or an essay. I'm not in school right now, and I know my brother has an essay due... tomorrow.. And I have the rubrick, so I think it would be entertaining to see if I could manage writing an essay to most of the criteria, in such a short period of time. I might not bother thought, who knows. I also need to work on closing tabs, so my computer doesn't try and kill itself. Since I only have one window open, Firefox shows me how many tabs I have when I quit it. 380 or 390 something... Which is pretty good, considering I had wayyy more before that. Most of them are probably transformers related or fanfiction. Maybe I could start working on closing tabs on my phone too. I don't know why I keep so many open.

stolen wifi. 12:46 PM

im stealing the universities wifi... (i dont go to uni XD). other than that i just wanted to say that im working on a text about tf:one.. i'd read more comics but too many tabs stand in my way...

i want to cry. 1:51 PM

it's true! i fucking love transformers one so so so so so much. inshallah i will be able to watch it later today. I realy want to keep writing about it but im sitting in the university library and your supposed to be quiet there and if i keep thinking about transformers one too much im going to get giddy and excited and hyper and need to run around and pace for 30 minutes, which would be fine except im in PUBLIC. and that's where i'm going to remain for the next while TOT.
also don't tell anyone but i am bored as all fuck. god im so bored. i would go home but that seems like a lot of effort, since its so far away. oh well. i'll leave later on, i supppose. i also really want to nap right now, which is unfortunate. actually i just realised it makes sense, i usualy am lying down around now... or maybe like in an hour? i've been taking naps around 3-4pm ish.. so considering it's almost two pm and im tired anyways.. it makes sense.

my descent into madness... 3:10PM

I've just been offered a drive home! That sounds lovely. I was just planning on taking the public transit back, but going with my mom by car would be so much nicer and faster.
As you know, I replied to the email I got, and I got a reply back, so now I need to replie back. I'm working on that atm. It's suprisingly hard to write emails TOT. Kinda like texting or repliying to comments, you know.
I've also been writing more about Transformers: One. It's taking so long because I keep getting so emotionaly high TOT. I've rewatched the scene where Orion Pax falls into the core of Cybertron so many times now... Flipping A's I love that movie so much.
I'm going to be picked up in around two hours and a half, so I could technically watch the whole movie again....

its cold here. 4:35 PM

I'll be getting picked up in about an hour, and until then I just have to keep myself entertained. It will be easy to do so, no doubt. It's the second time round where I'm sitting here and I just feel cold. I don't quite know what to make of it. I could put my coat on but that doesn't seem ideal. I did put on my scarf thought, so that helped. It's getting so dark out. It's crazy. I'm going to go keep working on my TF:One ramblings.

is it bedtime yet... 10:43 PM

Golly I'm tired. I haven't eaten much today either... I really need to remember to eat even if I really don't want to TOT. I got a discord message from my friend this morning but haven't yet replied to her. I'm going to do that tomorrow, I've kinda maxed out on what I can do for the day. I'm going to actually skedadle and write the email reply, and after that I'll either shut my computer down and go to bed, or I'll see if I can write some more stuff, either for the TF:One page, or fanfiction. We'll see.

Oh and I went with my mom to pick up my siblings and we went on the highway and the visibility was so bad.. You couldn't see the lines on the road, and 18 wheelers didn't take long to dissapear from view. It was thrilling, but I was still kinda scared. We were driving really slowly cuz the wind was really bad too. A bunch of cars also pulled over onto the shoulder of the highway 'cuz you just couldn't see anything. It's hard to believe how bad visibility was.

tired. so tired. 10:58PM

Just sent email. Very tired now i want to sleep. but probably ill stay up later. thinking of transformer again, want to write fanfic but write is hard. very annoying. should work on write. should should should i always say that. have to stop. tired. feels like my arms are made of lead. feels like im faling alseep siting up.

December 18, 2025

Yep.. another blog post... 11:20AM

I had more unpleasant dreams with bugs in it. I don't know why it's been happenning but I don't like it. I kinda wish bugs didn't bother me as much as they do? Because they're really important for the ecosystem. But they do! They're creepy! Ugh. Other than that, predictably, I haven't done anything yet today. I checked tumblr, which is good, and I'm working on the email. I'm realising how bad I am at communicating XD I know I'm not good at it, I can barely remember to text my friends, but it's just funny, because now I'm getting a new perspective on it. Email... I feel like there was something important that I wanted to do today, but I can't remember (ᵕ—_—). I do remember that I want to start using emoticons more often. I really like them and they're cute, but I just don't remember to incorporate them into my text..

December 17 2025

eheheheheh 10:30 PM

I've been productive today!! I managed to get my firefox windows down to only one!! I still have.. most of the tabs from before open, but I'm working on closing them. I can't believe that having a reasonable amount of tabs open is such a feasible thing! It feels like its been so long since that's been the case... I also managed to free up 6 WHOLE GBs of harddrive storage space on my computer! I just bumbed over all the files to my external harddrive.. but I think it still counts for something! Gah I really like being alive recently. I've been having fun and feeling like I'm accomplishing things. Its so nice.

I've also been updating my site a bit today (despite not having read any comics today... maybe tomorrow?) and I added a few more links which is fun, and I've also been floating the Transformer: Victory shrine. I really want to make a shrine for it, because the show was so good. I'd like to make more shrines, but more like.. visually representative of what the shrine is about. Like having a screenshot or collage of related images, and fun little gifs and stamps and the like..

Now I just gotta reply to the email I got.. Very exiting to recieve an email! I should work on reaching out to people TOT I still somehow suck at leaving messages in guestbooks. I've been meaning to sit down and just go thru a bunch of websites and leave messages in guestbooks, because I like to look at websites and I like to recieve messages, so I think it's fair of me to assume that other people like to recieve messages to XD.

And I also have the awkward task of figuring out how to split up my time and energy between the stuff I want/need to do. I really want to write some more fanfiction (yes.. it's oc related.. I'm still ignoring my Starscream fanfic!) But I also want to work on designing said oc, and deciding if I like his name atm.. Sigh.. OC names has to be one of the worst things ever.. Oh well. I'll survive.

I had pizza for dinner today, actually. It was very nice. I spent some time writing and listening to music today too, which was fun. My day was, other than that, pretty empty. Which is ok. Oh and I started putting some links on my homepage, under the "wishlist" section. It's only now that I'm realising I could have asked for some of those for christmas... Oh well. I'll get cash, so I can use that to buy the figurines. I really want Transformers Plushies.. It's something I've wanted for a while.. but I've never done anything about it! And I want more posters... I only have two up in my room, and I would love to decorate my room more. I should get more into the habit of printing out cool art and sticking it up on my wall. Which is stupidly tricky, by the way. I think it's the texture of the paint on the wall? Tape hates it. I'm going to have to figure out a better way to keep stuff up. At least my Starscream poster is still up, despite only using tape.

Pretend its not almost 1 am on the 18th

I started to make the Victory shrine... heheheheheheh.. And I'm working on a good response to the email... I need to make sure it doesn't accidentally say that I fucking hate everything. That would be horrible. But I trust myself to write what I mean, and not what my anxiety thinks I'm going to write! In the mean time of working on that I just have to survive the last episode of the show on tv right now....

December 16 2025

Im back in the building!!!!!!!! 12:30pm

I've been working on closing tabs today (it's going slowly) and I'm taking a break to do my sidequest: figure out an alt mode for my current transformers oc. I'm poking around wikipedia's combat vehicle page because.. well where else am i going to look. the army sucks but also i just need an altmode and given my guy is fighting a litteral war and i don't wanna have to design a truck from scratch i'm just going to steal smth from wikipedia. sorry my morals, lets just pretend nothing matters or something XD. I basically clicked the first link i saw, so I havent made much headway.. but i think this guy is kinda cute... maybe i should appropriate it.

December 15, 2025

6:47 PM

I thought I had already made a blog entry today.... I guess not. My day has been okay, but uneventfull. I made a bunch more stamps, thanks to Rodi-16's screenshots. I then posted the stamps on my tumblr, so I can hotlink them and have them on my max shrine. I really don't wanna have to host 24 stamps of that guy on my neocities.. I also made a few other stamps, so I'll have to add those on the transformers page. Maybe I'll go do that now.
But before I go I just want to say that I've started to figure out how to use tables and.. it's very fun. I used it for the clone wars shrine, but I really don't know what to put on there so it still looks kinda shit. I think the Fort Max shrine is ok tho. Probably still needs a bit of work, but that's ok.

8:07 PM

I've been hit with a massive fucking wall of hatred TOT I have.. a little bit of an idea as to why I feel that way.. But it's really hard to stay calm and kind right now. Fuck. Gahd I just wanna strangle somebody. Midsommer Murders save me ffs.
Either way I gotta keep working on my reviews page. I still have an essay thing on tf:one in the works (pretend I didn't just start it and forget about it) so I'll have to skedadle and finish writing it. I think that it'll (hopefully) be longer than most of the other reviews.. And I also need to get back in the groove of reading the IDW comics. I could then write my overall thoughts on the IDW continuity.. MUAHAHAHAHAHAA. I just feel like being a hater right now TOT I'm so sorry. Not sorry enough to not say things, but.. you get my drift.

I'm rereading my essay thingy on tf:one rn to see if I can salvage anything and I just found this jewel: The juxtaposition of D-16’s rampage with the softer more emotional death and rebirth of Orion is exquisite. Maybe I do know what I'm talking about after all...

10:52 PM

I've succumbed to my bad ideas and im not making a shitty ass page about shit i fucking hate. it's pretty miserable so i don't actually plan on linking it but.. it exists atm soo.. if you really wanna look at it, its possible.

a little after midnight...

well i downloaded my site and then deleted the neocities hosted page on shit i dislike and also the tcw shrine bcz idc. i wanted to go thru my blog (here) and delete some shit but tbh i dont care enought atm. maybe someday in the future ill go back and delete some bits of it. maybe not. idk. probably not, cuz im just gonna forget i wanted to LOL

December 14, 2025

12:44 PM

I wasnt sure if I was gonna update my site today (I was hoping to be "productive" today) but here I am. I went to bed early last night and slept badly (with annoying dreams too) and now I have zero motivation to exist. I really really don't wanna do anything, and everything is pissing me off. Ugh. Maybe I should sit down and try and draw more, but I worry that I'll just end up being way more pissed off. Maybe I should go throught my 4 windows and close some tabs...

Ok don't do what I just did. Don't read youtube comments. I want to strangle someone.

Today is not a good day to exist. What's the fastest way of getting to tomorrow while remaining unaware of time passing... drugs probably.

i think i need to take a break from updating my website.... i really dont wanna but i have no idea what to add so i think time away woudl be good. now i just gotta find smth else to do with my life for a week fuck

5:36 PM

God I'm so tired of everything. I feel like I haven't done anything today and I fucking hate existing why is life so long. I can't believe I'm stuck here until I die/kms. I think I'm so good at being alive even when I don't want to be but sometimes I really wish I could just smoke some weed and let the hours pass like that. It would be so much simpler. I really need to have a shower today but I just don't feel like it. I fucking hate having showers and I hate being naked and I hate having to touch my body but also I just end up stinking and gross and oily and I live with other people so that's a no-no. I hope I feel better tomorrow because I have to go to therapy again and I don't wanna have to explain what my life's been like lately and go "so maybe that's why I feel so horrible" and shit. urgh. I should eat a cookie.It;s so stupid I've gone back to gradenine. i keep thinkin "im going to kill myself' with no heart. i though we were over this. wow i wish i was on drugs rn ffs this shits mid fucking hate it here.

I should make a transformers victory shrine or maybe just star saber. i should make more shrines. in general. i have the mp3 player one linked from my home page but maybe i could add a section in the transformers page where it links to shrines for characters i like. just simple pages with like a paragraph about the character and some fun related background or something. i wanna eat more chips and guacamole.

11:40 PM

Ok i think i got a better handle on life than earlier. I made another shrine. Making shrines is fun. I'm lying on the floor of my room listening to a CD i burnt a while ago. I'll have to get into pjs at some point, and maybe then I'll go downstairs and eat chips and guacamole. I did end up eating a cookie, btw. I made a bunch more stamps and posted them to tumblr, then hotlinked them from there onto my bluestreak shrine. It saves space on my neocities account.

December 13, 2025

9:29 AM

I've fallen into the trap of looking for recently updated websites again..... I was checking out a website and they had a "whats in my bag" section, with a transparent image of the stuff they carry around. I think doing something similar would be fun. I don't know what I usually put in my bag tho XD I tend to keep it empty when I don't use it (my old school bag still has some plastic bags and pieces of wood in it..). I really like those kinds of.. thing I guess, like the old deviantart pngs where the artist shows their workspace and stuff. I spent a lot of time checking those out.. (admitedly they were all dated from like, 15 years ago, but oh well.) It's just kinda fun in a way tag games on tumblr don't quite match, you know. Other than that, I got up pretty early today (7AM-ish) despite going to sleep at 2AM.. I did end up watching Fifty Shades of Grey. It wasn't very good. I don't really know what to do now, which is why I'm updating my blog. I should probably be wikipedia surfing for an alt mode.. Maybe I'll have a nap later. Maybe not. I'll be out of the house for a while in the afternoon so I don't know how the timing would work out. Oh and I basically barely ate yesterday. I didn't really mean for that to happen, I just couldn't bring myself to eat.. I had some chips (salt and vinegar) and chocolate and more chips and also four clementines. Most of that stuff I ate while watching the movie. So technically it doesn't even count as eating it yesterday. I really need to eat a proper dinner today. My tummy is too empty :(

6 PM ish

GRAHHHHHUHEHDFSDKLK So I spent my afternoon out again and on the drive home I kept falling asleep and being jolted awake every two minutes cuz the roads are ass. I'm glad I wasn't driving the car thought, since I was really tired and with how slippery the roads were.. let's just say I'm happy we got home safely. On a more positive-to-the-environment note, I went for a brief walk at a .. idk goverment land place.. and it was really nice. There was so much snow, and the visibility was also really bad, but it was so so so beautifull.
I've been thinking more about my website... and I think I should make more shrines.. I can't really think of what to make them about, thought... Transformers? I could.. I made one abt my mp3 players, thought, which I think is pretty fun. I can't believe tomorrow is Sunday already. The weeks keep flying by. Anyways I'm going to go banish myself to the reviews file and write a new review... stay tuned (evil laughter echoes as i exit the room)

6:30 PM ish

ughhhhh im so fucking cooked.im lowkey kinda horny rnnnnnn gahhh transformers.... hehe.... i wont say more. uhm actually i will. having a penis must make it pretty easy to jack off. and fml my brother is in my room rn so i cannae.. gosh i hope nobody i know irl sees this... im kinda loosing the plot nowadays. guess that's just life lol.

9 PM ish

ok maybe sticking all this stuff on my website is a bad idea. what if some truly evil people come by and fucking murder me cuz of this site. oh well i can't afford more mental health shit so that'll have to wait. i'll just project onto red alert. peace and love on cybertron.

December 12, 2025

2:48 PM

I think I have too much time on my hands.... I mean I know I do, I'm not employed, I'm not in school, but like... I usually don't mind. I think that at the moment starting to do stuff with that level of intensity would be detrimental. It's just that.. everyday I open up my computer and check neocities. Maybe somebody has updated their webiste today? I check the transformers tag, by most recently updated. It's my website. Again. Sometimes I think "it would be nice if there were more neocities websites that were tagged as transformers" but... having more doesn't mean anything. Maybe it would mean there would be a lot of websites but I wouldn't like them. I like a bunch of the ones that are around right now anyways. And other people probably have more of a life than I do. So it makes sense that they aren't updating their website everyday. Not to mention that it's just pretty recently that I've been spending so much time on this site. There have been plenty of times where I litteraly forget about this site. Oh well. I updated the css for this page yesterday and.. it could be better but I think I like it. I should probably draw more... But drawing is hardddd... Sitting down and writing my random thoughts in my blog is easy-peasy.

Ok wait so I just remembered that it's been litteral ages since I wrote in my real life journal and that I should really do that. I'm using my left thumb to hit the space bar right now cuz my right thumb is too sweaty and woah it's harder than I would have expected to switch. I can write so much faster when I use my right thumb it's crazy.
I kinda don't wanna write in my journal because it's "boring" but... I should anyways. I'll keep my website open so that if I need to complain I can, but hopefully I'll update you again after I've finished.
Wait where did I leave my journal

11:01 PM

Well it's been a very boring day... I learnt that its not normal for my computer to loose 2 GB of storage because my RAM can't keep up with.. having firefox open. It's not terrible or earthdestroying news, just maybe... a reminder to me to close some god-damn tabs. I watched a few youtube videos and some alvin and the chipmunks (the ALVINNN! show).. I watched Evasive (on youtube)'s "I made asexuals watch Fifty Shades of Grey" and the sequel video and now I'm again bored enough that.. maybe I should watch those movies. They looked really really bad. I did end up writing a bit in my journal, but only wrote the TV I've watched recently... No dramatic life updates, I guess.

not yet...

December 11, 2025

10:51 AM

Hypothetically I could finish getting dressed right now and leave for the comic store. It opens at 11 AM and taking the bus there would land with me arriving there later anyways. I don't remember how long it takes to get there. Then I could buy the comic and go home and be at peace. The longer I delay this whole thing the worse I will feel when I do go. Golly I hate the feeling in my chest of this. The tightness of my lungs and muscles and light-headedness of my heart. Gahhh It makes stuff so hard to do. I'm scared to go. I would probably feel relieved if I did go. I don't remember how expencive the comics cost. Okay maybe I'll just grab 5 toonies and hope for the best. The comic can't be more than 10$ right TOT. I should start writing down how much they cost...

7:12 PM

Proving I have the ability to walk away from my computer XD. I did end up going to get the comic. It took me a long time to get downtown cuz I had to take the "wrong" bus and wait a long time and all that jazz. It's fun when the city you live in has terrible public transit. I got the comic cover I had had in mind, which I'm very happy about. I then headed over to hang out with my brother at his university. I read my comic and drew fanart XD. We got a drive home (so I only had to take 3 buses today!) and now I'm back to bother you all on my website XD.

10:21 PM

Whoa soon its going to be the exact time I was here this moring, but in PM...
But that's not why I'm here 😏. I'm actually here to be sad... I really want to look at people's sites but... It's sometimes hard to have to make room to store all that info, even just the duration of looking at their site. I also want to write stuff (probably to do with Fortress Maximus tbh..) or surf wikipedia to find a cool alt mode for my new oc.. But that requires time and effort and my computer to agree to opening tabs.. I really want to *update* my website, too. Just something big that feels like I put a lot of time and effort, not something like "add a new review". That's good too, of course, but it just doesn't quite feel the same, you know.

Guess who is bored enough that jerking off seems like a preferable course of action...Yep that's right. Me.

there is no way in hell i'll show my brother my site TOT im openly admiting to jerking off to transformers TOT

I kinda wanna draw valveplug... (did you know i drew onslaught in shibari while sitting in the university library earlier today? well now you do XD.)

i should really just go and draw more transformers....

11:33PM...

man i wish i was horny. i want to jack off but im not horny so there's no real reason to do so. i'd consider drawing transformers going at it but idk who to draw..

pretend its not 12:04 am on the 12th

god im so fucking touch-starved. can people please please please touch me more. run your hand thru my hair, play with my face rub my back 'nd shoulders 'nd neck 'nd face 'nd don't stop please please please touch me. god i crave touch so bad

December 10, 2025

2:20 PM

Sorry for not locking in... I'm back for real and I'm going to try and actually get some stuff done 🫡

5:22 PM

I can't keep doing this. Genuinely once a day I have to sit around and think or look at transformers and then BOOM out of nowhere I've got tears welling up. I DON"T WANNA CRY CUZ OF TRANSFORMERS EVEN IF ITS FROM MY LOVE.

5:45 PM

My need to read last stand of the wreckers grows stronger.... springer...... but i have to get there in the timeline first. RHAHHHHAHHHHHHHHH.
my head hurts. transformres are hard to draw.

10:30 PM...

Yea I'm back to whine. I don't wanna have to go buy tf skybound #27.... GRHAHHHHH the store is too far away and I have to take the public transit and I have to pay and it fills me with so much anxiety. It's so hard to do things. I really should just go anyways but.. I'm scared. And also IDK if by me talking about doing it it's going to make me NOT do it. I DONT KNOWWWWWWW... Fucking hell I hate anxiety. And the fact that leaving the house can be so stressfull.

And also I'm all alone in my room again and like... I can tell. I feel so lonely. Strannngeee.. It would be unfortunate if I found something else to amuse myself with. Like Transformers. Maybe I should re-re-re-watch the '86 movie. I like Hot Rod. Or I could get my journal and actually update it... RAHHHH I DONT FUCKING KNOW. I"VE PUT TOO MUCH EFFORT INTO BEING ALIVE THAT IM COMPLETELY CRASHING NOW I DON"T KNOW WHAT TO DO FUCK FUCK FUCK

By gumm it's so fucking cool that other people have websites. It's so fucking cool that other people have looked at my website and maybe even like it. It's so cool. Yeah. Cool. LIKE I MADE SOMETHING "ND PPL LOOKED AT IT AND MIGHT EVEN HAVE LIKED IT????? I love being able to look at other websites that mention Transformers. I often check the tag on Neocities to see if there are any new ones or if any have been updated recently.

11:34 PM

I'm listening to music now and writing about my new tf oc and maybe I'll live. Maybe I can make it to tomorrow. I just have to remember that just because everything sucks so bad right now, it won't necesarly suck tomorrow. I'm trying to not stop thinking about transformers or my writting for too long because otherwise I remember that I exist and.. I really don't want that. Maybe I should switch up the formating on this page. It's not the most convinient to navigate. Oh well.

11:47 PM

The urge to be gross is growing strong. Not gross in a sex/masturbation way, I don't really consider that the same kind of gross. Gross in a "rotting alive" kind of way. Rotting in my brain and my opinions and mean and unhelpfull. I have to keep trying to be a good person thought. Because. It's wrong to be bad, to do things wrong. (Don't tell my therapist I said that.) I think I'm going to eat a candy cane.

Midnight

I should go to bed. I should eat a candy cane. I should design my OC. I should draw fanart. I should go get the comic. I should update my website.

It would be wise to go to bed. It would be fun to eat a candy cane. It could be cool to design my OC. It would be fun to draw fanart. It would be satisfying to get the new comic. It would be rewarding to update my website.

It really would be wise to go to bed, but I really don't know if I want to. I just want to stay up until I drop dead. I don't want to confront the fact that I exist and it's being annoying. I never did end up eating that candy cane, but now that I'm here again maybe I will. My room is cold (as it often is) and I want to turn the heater up. I like the white noise that it makes, and I like being warm. It snowed today. It's nice and snowy outside. I like snow. Maybe I'm hungry. I don't know. I don't know. It's so hard. I never know anything. I know lots of stuff, but there's always so much doubt and wishy-washy-ness about it that I don't really believe myself. I always second guess myself, so that it doesn't hurt me when others do it. That's not how that works. I remember when I was younger my mom told me that "I should be like ducks, water just slides off of them." She probably meant it in a guidance way, to try and help me (I was a very "sensitive" child, my feelings were very easily hurt. Now I just pretend that I don't hurt.) After a while I was like a duck. I was proud of it. It was nice. At some point it stopped being like that. I don't know when. But sometimes I remember that comment about ducks, and the mental image of a location and duck it conjured and. I don't know.

Parfois je me demande si je suis.. multiple. Je ne sais pas. J'ai just cette sensation bizzare parfois, que c'est pas "moi" qui'm controle. J'ai peur d'admetre que j'me demande cette question, mais.. c'est vrais. Je le prend pas trops sérieusement, puisque ça me donne une façon facile de dire "je niase", de dire que "non j'essay pas d'approprier un truc sérieux", mais c'est quand même une pensé que j'ai eu plus d'une fois. J'ai envie d'être fictionkin, puisque 1) ça semble cool et fun et 2) j'aime télement les transformers déja que j'ai just envie de menfuire dans leur monde d'une façon réèl (EDIT: et je dois ajouté ça avant que je l'oublie mais parfois je vois des choses que d'autre fans écrivent apropos de certain personage et le montant de rage et de "c'est pas comme ça que ça c'est passé!" et just avec cette certaine.. "je le sais parce que j'y était". J'imagine que c'est soit que je prend les choses trop sérieuxement, où que... ben que c'est vrais, dans mon cerveau j'y était.). J'écris ce truc en francais, non parce que ça veut dire que les autres ils peuvent pas comprendre (ils peuvent just le traduire avec google, après tout) mais parce que ça ajoute de l'espace entre moi et ce que je dit. C'est plus facile a admettre des choses dans une langue que je'n'utilise pas beacoup.
Il y a un bout de temp j'avais montré mon site a une amie et parfois je me demande si elle y jette un coup d'oeuille de temps en temp. Parfois j'ai envie de montré mon site à mon frère mais je ne l'ai pas encore fait. Je pense que je mets trop de moi même içi. Et il sait déja mon Tumblr alors.. Je pense qu'avoir cet endrois en ligne "just pour moi" c'est'une bonne idée.

pretend its the 10th, not 1:06 am on the 11th

i started reading spotlight arcee and i just got to garrus 9. fortress maximus is there. the sparks.. i think i need to take a break. I'm going to rip the world apart. (go lie down in bed - no prep i dont have the bandwidth for that. if i die i die. i told starscream i was gonn-

i'm sending myself to sensory deprivation

pretend it isnt 1:36 am

i craweld ou t of. ed tow rite this

i wana have sad passioante gay sex with max rn i wannt to feel his engins humm and his servos oon my doorwings and feel our sparks thrumming to our rythm, just for the two of us

December 9, 2025

11:17 AM

Sorry about never coming back to finish up on the 7th. Something objectively more important than maintaining my website came up so I did that instead. I would have updated on the 8th but I didn't touch my computer at all, except to transfer the '86 movie file so we could watch it from the tv computer

I woke up at 8 AM today... That's the earliest I've naturally woken up in so long. I slept around 5 hours and a half. I'm sure I'm going to feel it later on. I need to eat something too. Ugh.

Other than that, my life's been pretty boring. I drew a bunch last night (in a very sleep deprived state - I have no idea what I was doing), so I'm glad about that. I need to write some more reviews (and read more spotlights.. heh) and I figure that I can just throw in some reviews for things I haven't necesarly seen recently. Oh and I have to remember to post to my tumblr gimick blog..

Pretend its not 12:27 AM

Just wanted to pop by an reaffirm that I will be actually updating this site soon. I would do it now but... I need to get to bed. 8 AM is too early to be going to bed at 2 AM. Not sure how well this whole "going to bed earlier" is going to work out but I figure it's about time to find out.

I really need to write the tv that i've watched recently in my notebook... I really need to write more in it. And draw. And and and and.
Alright, goodnight! See you tomorrow, hopefully!

December 7, 2025

1:30 PM

gahh i'm so tired... I woke up at 8:44 AM (which is wayy earlier compared to my usual) and I'm also kinda annoyed.. I don't really know why. Something is bugging me but I can't tell what..

Regardless of all that, I need to reply to Bliss in my guestbook (so cool that other people have looked at my website... I'm honoured) and I also gotta write out my thoughts on Devastation, cuz I got round to reading it yesterday. I drew Transformers again last night (mostly cuz there's an OC I want to ship with Onslaught...........) so I'm happy about that. I'm trying to draw more today but.. It's hard.

I keep writing 2026 when I write these blog entries and I think it's kinda funny. I'm trying to avoid spending too long thinking about the fact that with everyday that passes we are closer to 2026 and I'm closer to turning a year older.. It's so weird to think I'm still alive. I don't want to die anymore, and I experience joy at existing (which is nice) but it's weird to look back and see how.. bad it was. I feel stupid saying it was bad cuz tons of people have it so much worse but like... It's my life. I wanted to die. (Not specifically like "plan out the most reasonable way to kill myself" kind of die. I'm too scared of being in pain for that LOL It was always something more along the lines of "I'll get run over by a bus one day after school" or "The car is going to swerve into the oncoming traffic and we'll all die" type stuff. Just some magicall low effort death.)

Anyways I don't really know why I decided to write about that. It's kinda random. I'm exited thought because "for" Christmas I'm going to get the Ravage album CD... Cybertronic Spree... I decided to ask for it since.. I don't know what else to ask for Christmas. Also because if I don't ask for anything I won't get anything. I doubt the CD will arrive in time for Christmas but I don't mind.

Christmas approaching is strange. I've been thinking a lot more about how.. christian North America is. You drive down streets in December and there are often houses decorated in large amounts of lights and Santa-ish decorations, but nobody really does anything for other religions. It's weird. I've known, of course, for a while how christina it is around here but only recently has it been something I think about. I think that's in part because I have time to think about it, and Christmas no longer has that same magic as it did when I was little, and I also see more "christmas hate". It's not hatred per say, just a calling out, if you will. I've got easier access to other peoples experiences.

I like getting presents (stuff I like), and that's not explicitely tied to Christmas.

2:04 PM

Ok so my current theories to why I'm annoyed: 1) i havent eaten any food 2) i'm wearing nailpolish {disphoria and also the sensation on my fingernails is horrible} 3) its too hot in my room/i'm too hot 4)I'm anxious abt smth that i shouldnt be (like updating my reviews page or drawing fanart)

2:29 PM

i want to add to my reviews but i also really want to draw... oughh... guess i'm going to draw ¯\_ (ツ)_/¯

i'll prolly be back later today to add more stuff here

December 6, 2025

1:14 AM

OK so i wanted this to go with the 5ths writing but its past midnight so rip that lmao

I hung out with my firends and had a blast and a half they're all so awesome i love them

new onslaught figure available for preorder which reminds me i should look out for a cheap onslaught...

and new eaarthspark season!!!! i think it's probably going to be pretty bad but im looking forwards to watching it. I will FOR SURE review it and ad ALL MY AMAZING OPINIONS to my website (so I'm very exited about that too) I just have to download the totaly legal files first...

11:34 AM

I'm back and still tired. I went to bed like an hour after writing that ^. I didn't want to get out of bed this morning but I was starting to feel horrible just laying down. Also my back was hurting (it still does). I've checked Tumblr already and I've seen people be dissapointed in ES s4... Ugh I should probably filter the tag out bcz I don't wanna see that. Then I was sad bcz mechncheese said that Bluestreak and Chitchat wouldn't get along very well :( Oh well I suppose.

There's a bunch of stuff I want to do today but I feel really discombobulated and confused so I don't know how much I'll actually manage to get done. And I think that I'll be out of the house for a while too (but I never keep track of from when to when------ Update from like genuinely seconds after I wrote that: It's confirmed I'm going out today but I get to drive the car (which is awesome, I love driving). I'll have to update stuff later. (And watch Earthspark... I'm scared but also not that worried. It's transformers, ofc it's not the most amazing thing ever.)

Also I really need to add a section for links to other websites/resources. I've been delaying that bcz I don't have the right "workspace" but also... I should probably skedadle and do that. I feel like once I make it I'll either use it A TON and update it really often or I'll forget about it. We'll see, I suppose.

OH and I need to work on fixing my css. I've been thinking about it at the back of my brain for a few days now and: I think that I forgot you can use :auto as the height parameter for images.. that should fix my problem with background images. And I think that my homepage could use some work... it's set to be IDEK how wide so it loads funny. So I think that if I toy with that for a little while I could figure out how to make it work better. Now I really have to go get ready thought, I keep delaying that cuz I think of something else to add here XD

7:03 PM

I just finished watching Earthspark season 4.... I feel like I've just come back from war. Guess who's headed over to the html file for reviews...

7:35 PM

I really need to sit down and get my act together... I feel like there's a bunch of stuff I wanted to do but I can't remember what... Like there's an OC that's been living free rent in my brain (for a ship... with characters I know zlitch about... I'm so screwed) and I really want to design him but... I don't know what he looks like!!! ARGHHHHH.
And also. I feel like there's another OC that's been kinda.. in the works in the background of my brain.. And I need to keep reading IDW but I'm scared to read Devastation... what if it makes me sad... I'm scared..

8:44 PM

EUUUUUUUU I'm sad... I feel like there was something important that I forgot... I really just need to sit down and read Devastation.. My schedules all out of wack cuz today was weird.. I look forwards to it returning to "normal".

just pretend its midnight

I procrastinated so hard I ended up raw dogging drawing transformers.. I need to get to it and lock in and all that jazz. I realised that I have a bunch of Transformers comics... I could just take pictures of those and stick them on my tf page. Like IDK what else I would do with them that involves this website but if I put them on that page that would mean I get to show them off. And I like showing my stuff off.. Plus I don't have 15 gazillion figurines and I love having STUFF and that does carry over to loving having lots of stuff on my website. So maybe that could be an accceptable compromise... Much to ponder... But I must go to bed it's half past 2 AM... I should be lying in bed rn.. OK OK I gotta go skedadle see ya later aligator

December 5, 2025

12:16 AM

yep.. im up late again. at least i've been waking up pretty consistently at around 10 am. i tend to stay in bed and half sleep for a while afterwards. anywyas thats not why i'm here.

I just wanted to say that while I've been having fun reading IDW and writing about it on my website (the feeling of reward i get from the reviews page and adding to is is very nice) I have to say that I am... not looking forwards to the next comic I have to read.

I have to read the new avengers/transformers... at least it's only 4 issues, I suppose. I can do that.

And it's good because after that I get to read a bunch of the Spotlights, which should be pretty easy. And fast.. After I read the Spotlights then I get to read Devastation, then go back to read more of the Spotlights. I think that should be pretty easy to manage.

1:13 AM

God i feel like a failiur. Yep. I know. Pretty stupid. But I do. I feel like whenever I do something I irevokably fuck it up beyond repair. That I do it wrong and backwards and like I don't fucking understand anything. FFS. I just want to feel like I did something "RIGHT" but noooooo. I get to feel like a piece of shit instead! Wow!

I've been clenching my teeth for a while now and I'm just sitting listening to a Handel CD and repeatedly clenching/unclenching my jaw to feel the pain in my teeth. It's kinda satisfying.

It's probably about time I go to bed. I hesitate because I really don't want to have to spend an hour lying in bed bored to death and also having bad thoughts™.

1:26 PM

I've been up for a little while, and awake for longer but I'm back here editing my website. I've spent a lot of time doing that recently. It's fun and I like being able to kinda just write whatever I want. I've realised (probably again) that this Blog is really more of a journal. But thats ok I think blog is faster to write. My room is pretty cold right now (bet the rest of the house is colder thought) and I should probably put on socks but I just can't be bothered. I really didn't eat very much yesterday and NGL I'm kinda worried I won't eat much today either. It's just that I really don't feel like eating and all the food I can think of seems either disgusting or like it has really horrible and unpleasant texture or like it's just too much effort. I don't like eating in the first place so it makes it extra hard to do it anyways. On a nicer note, I'm listening to the radio again and it's playing Classical music. I have no idea who but thats ok. It makes it slightly easier to read comics. Which I should probably hurry up and do more of today. I'm at Spotlight: Galvatron now and to be honest... I hope I get to Devastation soon. I've realised how much effort it means I have to put into writing my "reviews".

3:09 PM

I'm sad cuz the guy on the radio who plays classical music has left (the host switches at 3PM) and also because I'm at Transformer: Devastation and it's got like. The exact right artsyle that matches with a screenshot I have saved of Sunstreaker's head.. I've got a bad bad feeling about this. So I'm kinda procrastinating on reading it. Also I'm pretty bored and nervous (bcz I'm going over to a friends place this evening). I keep thinking about Onslaught and Vortex, which is funny because I know like. nothing at all about them. I've just switched over to the CD of Handel so I think that I'm going to go lie down in bed for a while.

December 4, 2025

1:50 AM

I FEEL LIKE IM GOING TO EXPLODE, LIKE THERE'S AN INSANITY AND MADNESS IN MY BRAIN THAT NEVER QUITE SHOWS ITSELF BUT I KNOW ITS THERE JUST OUTSIDE OF MY GRASP

God I love transformers and i wish i was better at expressing myself (realises it might be the masking to bl-- FUCK I FORGOT TO TAKE MY MEDS) because theres some shit in my brain that needs to get out before i loose it.

so i just went to take my meds (since its closer to when i would have taken them on the 3rd than when i will on the 4rth) and good grief i'm tired now. i should just head to bed.

2:26 AM

god thinking about rung (mtmte/ll) makes me so sick

December 2, 2025

I'm listening to the radio and its ten after 1 AM. I realised that. At some point on Sunday (now two days ago) I had a shower and. I don't know, it felt like something in my brain switched? I didn't really notice it at first, but as I stood under the water I just. felt different. nothing seemed to bother me and I was calm and ok existing. It was just really weird. Maybe I felt normal? Then I watched an episode of RID2015 and it kinda threw me off but I kept going, I was still feeling ok. But now I'm kinda back to the usual. Anxiety and brain fog almost. I don't know it was just kind of confusing.

Regardless of that, (and ignoring the fact that I really should go to bed) I just wanted to complain. Sometimes I just have such a hard time understanding stuff. Like. It's stuff that either "shouldn't" be hard to understand but I'm just taking it way out of context, or I'm not even understanding the framing in the first place.

I think about transformers so much but somehow it's still not enough. I just want to be there. Not in some primus-forsaken war where everybody dies, just in a nice place where I feel like.. me.

I wish I felt like me.

11:17PM

god i'm feel like such a terrible person sometimes. i don't really know what brought that up its just there now. fuck. the room i'm sitting in is cold. everybody else has gone to bed. i don't really know what to do. i guess that since this website is mine i can basically do whatever i want to. so since i feel like writing about my opinions i could do that. ugh. i guess i would but i also don't want to because there's lots of stuff i don't like and it brings to mind SPECIFIC people and i really don't want to fucking vague post on my website about ppl i don't like that much. like. im more mature than that right? probably not at this rate.

December 1, 2025

IM IN THE VYBERTRON WEBRING!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! so coul....... ehehehehehehe

ahem. very cool indeed. it's funny cuz you gotta send a form in (with the info to be displayed) so you know they have a "name" section. GOOD FUCKING QUESTION I DONT KNOOOOWWWKWWWWWWWW. i just put bluestreak because there's already an Orion. so. yeah. i really like bluestreak so its ok. rn im getting hit by the "i miss rid2015 sideswipe" hammer but. thats ok. i'll survive. probably. bluestreak... lowkey i remember my mom calling me bluestreak one morning? she walked in my bedroom and im lying half asleep in bed and idk. i just remember her saying 'Bluestreak'. and i think then she said something about my blanket (well, the one that's currently the blanket on top) which would make more sense, because its a blue blanket and i got it recently. its really nice and cozy and warm so it's going to be great for winter. but yeah i just remember that she called me bluestreak and i dont know if its actually what happened or not but it made me happy. but still i dont know my name. i think having a name is kinda weird. its complicated.

and im writing about robots in disguise 2015 because i finished it and miss sideswipe.. come back to me...

my leg is asleep righ tnow. its painfull. ough ough ouhg

im back like 2 hours later. im tired and i just spent so much time on tumblr. there is so much banger art on there i had to reblog it. i also had a really nice glass of lemonaid, despite it litterally being freezing outside. idk lemonaid never struck me as a winter thing. oh god its decemtner.

im going to go and see if i can squeeze anything else out for the reviews page. .i dont think i should keep calling it that because. its not really reviews you konw? its just my opinions on things. oh well.

November 28, 2025

Just emailed the person at the Cybertronian Webring... I hope I did it right.. I want to join the webring (I mean its a webring and its transformers! Who wouldn't?) but also the anxiety of sending emails is really astounding. I'm sure I did ok. I didn't swear or be mean so like, I'm probably good.

I've also done some more tv watching... I've been watching Robots in Disguise 2015 (which apparently a lot of people don't like) and it's been going pretty good, so far. I really like Sideswipe (which I figured would be the case, he checks pretty much all the right boxes XD) but I've also had to deal with the fact that it's in the aligned continuity... My nemesis. I really don't like Transformers: Prime (I don't really know why, TBH) so having TF:P Soundwave be in an episode... made me reconsider watching the show.. I'm going to keep going thought, since I will die if I never get to see Sideswipe again. And I do sorta want to watch TF:P someday.. so maybe I can count this as exposure therapy LOL.

I could totally write a bunch of stuff about TF:P but it's kinda annoying to only have.. negative things to say. Because I'm here to have fun! And I don't wanna be a downer for other people either. (Especially since I've seen others be down and it's just not that nice to be around - and I certainly don't want to help propagate those vibes.)

I want to write a "review" of Transformer: Victory (from the Japanese G1) because I really enjoyed the show but I think it's going to take some effort to sit down and explain my feelings and opinions XD.

November 26, 2025

I just finished writing a "review" of transformers: cybervrese... it was fun!

I'm glad I did that, it's making me feel like I accomplished something XD I should definitely sit down and write more reviews (I really want to voice my opinions, don't I LOL)

It's pretty much 1 AM on the dot right now so I'm going to update the log then get ready for bed.

good night everybody!

November 25, 2025

hullo again! im here to say.... i want to update my website again.. but not like. putting three new images on it or something, i mean rehaul my layout and stuff. because, while i odn't think it looks terrible, i sure do think it could look a lot better. also maybe put more transformers related stuff on it. i think that would be cool.

a long time later...

so in the end i did something which i think covers my bases good enough. i deleted a few of the pages and moved the log to the home page, and i also fought for my life with my css so that i could get different backgrounds for the different pages. i kinda broke some of the layouts (the ones more ressebmling the hompage) and now i think the sizing is more likely to be weird if you don't have like the exact same screen + settings as me, but to be honest that doesn't bother me so far so I won't do anything about it.

i think that having the more different layouts and the different backgrounds helps me to be satisfied with my website. i'm now unsatisfied with my organization re the transformers page and the reviews page, so i'm going to go write some stuff for the reviews page, just so it actuallly has a concrete example of what i want to do with it so i can better judge it.

November 20, 2025

so my head kinda hurts right now (getting flashes of intense pain near my right temple) but i still wanted to pop over here to update y'all.

I went out yesterday. That's it, that's the post.

That's a lie I have more to say XD

I went downtown by bus (as per usual) and I went and bought the 26th skybound! FINALLY! I also bought the 4th issue of Last Bot Standing (I think it's the fourth?). Then I went to one of the camera/photography stores that's genuinely a block away and I bought a new roll of 35mm film XD. Black and White, 400 ISO. Its the Ilford Delta stuff. After that I bussed over to visit sibling one at his university. We hung out for a while and he showed me around a bit, then I took public transit back to downtown and throught a very round about method re-ended up on the street with the comic store and the photography store XD. And I took the same bus line as I had a few hours earlier to get to my sibling and ended up near another camera store (that only opend at 3PM). That's the place where I had gotten the filters from. So I went in and asked if I could return them or something. I couldn't return them (because I has purchased them so long ago) but the guy said that he could buy them from me as used stuff. So I said that would be great and I got 20$ for the three filters. I don't know if that's a good price for them or not but I'll take it. It's not really like I know any better lol. Then he mentioned that instead of the cash I could take a roll of film. So basically we could do a "swap". Me being me I said yes XD and so I got a roll of coloured 200 ISO FujiFilm. I think that was the better deal monetary wise, since had I purchased the film it would have been 24$. I'm looking forwards to trying out the colour film tho - I've never used any before. And it's funny because buying the BW film was good timing since I ended up finishing the roll of film that was already in my camera. I stood around in the university with an article on how to take out film from a pentax K1000 and did my best ToT. Hopefully I did it well enough that I didn't fuck up the actual roll of film. I kept out of direct sunlight and made sure to roll the film up and everythhing so. Based on my understanding (and limited knowledge of the gear I have) the film should be fine. But that doesn't stop me from worrying!

November 18, 2025

I really hope that taking meds is going to help with. going for walks. it feels like such a stupid thing to be, you know, complaining about. "go outside" being my main goal is kinda weird. like its just kinda hard to accept that it really is that hard for me to leave the house. i often think "oh its nice today" or "it would be a good time to go for a walk" or "today would be a great day to take pictures outside" but the moment i actually tell myself i should go outside my brain just kinda. fritzes away. "no you can go outside - its too dangerous, you'll be to far from home (where its safe), you'll exist in a concrete way" and so on and so forth. it kinda makes me feel bad when i hand out with my friends too - because i feel like when we're at my house *they're* the ones doing all the hard work and I'm just leeching off of them.

regardless of all that, i really do want to up my photography game. i have a nice film camera that i like using (a pentax KM) and I also have a fancy digital camera (that we got for free from our neighbour? how awesome is that! i have a few filters for the film camera, but we bought the wrong size (i think a 50 would fit, but instead i have a 52) so someday i'll have to catch the opening hours for the store i bought them from and see if i could get some that fit. i got them a. fairly. long time ago, so i dont know if the store would accept to take them back as an exchange or return. i would bring them anyways and ask though - since i really don't have any use for them.

i also really need to up my game and go get the 26th issue of transformers skybound... it's something thats been bothering me for a little while :(.

maybe i could go downtown and get both of those things done.. someday this week. or next. or the week after that.

November 11, 2025

I wanna take more pictures. and probably put them up here. Only thing is to keep them not obvious of where I live lol. I have some pretty nice 35mm pictures from a trip (the first ever long and far away one i'd ever done, actually) that might be cool to share. I figured out how to scan stuff with the printer we have (thnaks to hot motor oil 4 lol) so I could totally scan the pictures to share them here. or even on tumblr lol.

man i really dont' like being alive most of the time. but i gotta say that i do sometimes genuinely enjoy existing. its a really nice feeling, even if i only seem to get it once in a blue moon.

November 5, 2025

im boring and lame so i made a page on this website that has all of hot motor oil 4. im not fluent in legal speech so i just hope that i dont get fucking murdered. i linked to it on my art tumblr (cuz somebody had sent an ask for them, and at the time i just linked to another person who has hmo4 posted) but it would be nice if i got like. one like and maybe even a reblog. i spent my afternoon wrangling the printer and figuring out how to scan stuff (which apparently isn't even that complicated) then i had to scan all the images (and redo the first 12, because i felt the dpi was too small.) then make the posts and page. but none of that is requiered, since after all im posting somebody elses art. im participating in the grand whatevernow of piracy. i just feel kinda bad because usually its for stuff like. officially liscensed hasbro shit. not another humans art. but oh well. in this day and age, i think its fine.

also ive got the first level of driving liscense now. im very happy and looking forwards to be able to drive for real now. (less to the second test i'll have to do, but thats ok. i just gotta practice.)

im still writing the tfone thing (tbh i wrote the draft and i havent looked at it since XD i'll get back to is someday. but a simpler thing would be to just. take pictures of my transformers figurines. cuz i have a bunch that aren't on my website yet. and it would be cool to be able to show them off lol

October 24, 2025

12:37 AM

OUgh my room is so cold ToT. I really want to eat a snack right now.

I pulled out the HTML and CSS tutorial book thing that I bought from Vallue Village. It's really old ToT. So old in fact, that it lists geocities and myspace as places you can host your website.. I think that most of the rest of the info is still fine thought. It's fun looking through the index to find the information you need instead of having to look it up.

Oh god I'm so stressed about Halloween. I'm going to a party that day and I gotta find a costume ToT. So far the only stuff I can think about is Transformers but even a simple cosplay of that would take more time than a week to make... I feel horrible to be honest. I don't think that I should be this terrified about it all. There's not much I can do thought, since I'm not about to get up and start making an Optimus Prime cosplay. I don't know if I have enough cardboard and I have zero pattern to follow. (Because considering you would be making something 3d, you'd want one. Oh god I'm so worried.

does somebody want to pay for my top surgery?

1:27AM

I think that writing img src="" as img scr="" must be one of the typos that I make that always evades me the most ToT. I'll be like "huh? the image isn't displaying?" and I'll spend a good 5 minutes tryna figure it out, then I'll glance at that part of the code and realise my typo XD.

3:25 AM

So this is a little more personal? I might delete it later, but realistically I'll just forget about it.

Click to show/hide panel. discussion abt genitalia (specifically abt bottom growth) within

I was looking at the r/GrowYourTDick (using an extension on google chrome, since i don't have an account) because I'm considering taking T (which would probably take a pretty long time to get my hands on in the first place) and I realized I have basically zero knowledge about how possible results might look. So I figured looking at other ppl's pics would help.

It was a pretty enlightening thing, to be honest. I don't really know if bottom growth is something that would bother me or not? It kinda made me realize how much I hate dislike genitals in the first place? Like I apparently really mean it when I'd rather be like a doll with no genitals. I kinda wasnt expecting that kind of reaction from myself XD.

It makes it kinda hard thought, because there are other things from T I would want. I think.

I don't know anymore :(

I just want to be. without. those things. I don't want a vagina or a uterus or a penis or testicles or anything inbetween or other.

Like, I want top surgery. I know that. But the rest? I'd be fine with more body hair. I don't mind body hair. I wish I just didn't have to deal with the whole reproductive system or excretion of food waste parts.

I think if there was an option to have a bottom part like a barbie doll, completely smooth and with nothing in there, I would jump at that opportunity XD.

thinking back to when I "mained" neutrois as my gender identity.. like. i still get it. it still makes a lot of sense. the only thing is that im ok with certain presentation things that would identify me as more "male". man i hate gender its so complicated and confusing and nothing seems to feel right. like these labels or ways of looking at it seem to always hit a few of the main points of my gender then completely disregard/oppose others.

not even my pronous really bring me that much joy. maybe it's cuz im not used to ppl using them for me but. idk its just really hard.

script/code from this demonstration on the w3schools website. the test program is taken from this lesson, also on w3schools.

4:11 AM

lowkey maybe my gender is extra fucked cuz neurodivergent?

i gotta work more on my website (broken heart emoji)

Octover 22, 2025

I feel like I'm going insane. There is so much cool stuff in the world and it makes me so exited then I'm stuck sitting at home because I don't live near Chicago, USA.

This site is trying to channel that exitement/energy somewhere, because otherwise I feel pretty awefull. It sometimes works but sometimes I take too long to get the energy out and then I can't do anything about it.

Button!!

I finally got around to making a site button. (I've been meaning to make one for a while XD.) I just opened krita and make the first thing that popped up in my mind, zero prep. Its not a very good button, but I made it and I think it's going to be just fine. Maybe someday I'll have a better idea of what I want on my button and I'll make another, but until then, this one will do just fine!!

It does kinda mean I think I gotta hurry up and start linking to cool things, start building a resources library bank of links and whatnot. (Which is also something I've been wanting to do for a while...)

October 21, 2025

I'm thinking about an uphaul of my website, with a larger focuse on Transformers?

Like switching up how the pages are set up and putting a separate page for reviews on movies etc., since I do want to start working on my writing again. I like creative writing but I would like to also improve my essays and that whole thing of presenting ideas and all that.

I don't actually have any reviews or essays yet so I'd probably want to rewatch some stuff before hand, which should be fairly easy, since I do like transfomres.

so it's pretty much four hours later than when i wrote that ^ but im back.

i've been kinda thinking about my whole "i want to write things" some more. I still want to do that, so I was looking at an old piece of homework, a movie review. I reread it and to be honest, was mortified. It was terrible. And I got a 4+ on it?? HOW.

Regardless, I realized that I would actually have to try and write something, despite the quality, because otherwise I would never get started lol! So I do want to write a review, probably something shorter, about Transformers: One. It's the film I've seen the most XD. Althought maybe I should do one of the Bayverse films I have on DVD? Eh. Maybe later. I think I'm going to struggle without a deadline, so either I try and write the whole thing as soon as possible (tonight, even) or I set a "put it on your website regardless" date for something like a week later?

I might just try and do it as much as I can tonight...

I don't really know what I'm going to write for the review, but I've got wikihow open XD so that'll probably help a little bit.

September 7, 2025

oh god i am so fucked ToT

i haven't updated this site in so long (broken heart emoji) i really want to get back to it but i keep getting distracted and just completely loosing all focus.

i've also been sleeping rly shittily like very few hours and not being able to sleep so idk

i bought minecraft thought and playing it is very fun. i gotta figure out how to host a server and run geyser so i can play w/ all mah friends

btw im thinking i might do a more major redesign of this website bcz im no longer very hapy with how it looks LMFAO

like i want it to look good but i don't actually know what i want it to look like. ugh its complicated.

ok so tahts all for 2day bcz im fucking exhausted (its gonna be 5 am soon, yay) pls pray for me guys i gotta fucking get back on the grind brah.

like i'm even behind on reading skybound transformers... behind on reading fanfiction... behind on asks on my gimmick block on tumblr... like what am i gonna mess up next (rolling eyes emoji).

also like a ridiculous amount of info on this website is now outdated chat im gonna cry

also i gotta add the disclaimr that im not religious and that obv asking for prayers is meant in a lighthearted respectfull way, as much as it can be from a rando on the internet much love yall

May 31, 2025

phewwww... im mentally really tired but thats ok. i will try my best to remember what i wanted to write before i forget.

sometimes im so cringy and i hate it but really. im cringe. whatever. im gonna be stupid on occasion and smart on occasion whatever.

im doing a drawing for a friend but im having a stupidly hard time getting started (haha just like high school i obsess over the fact that i have to get it perfect and that i have a deadline (self imposed kinda) but that still doesnt matter. i think i should go start working on it after im done fucking around on mah website (you are here) but we'll see what happens.

i feel like i also tend to write more about annoying things? but life is ok and im alive and sometimes i hate that but i feel like that less often than b4 and i have fun with my friends (they are awesome) so life is generally pretty good.

sometimes not, obviously, but im working on managing that better.

i also just binged watched transformers cyberverse and i reccomend you watch it. whoever you are. who found my website clicked on it decided they didnt hate it that much and stalked my blog.

May 4, 2025

womp womp ya'll are getting an update because im so evil (lloyd laughs evilly)

why yes i can spell why do you ask??

uh. OK SO I WENT TO THE COMIC BOOK STORE BCZ THYE SAID THEY WERE PARTICIPATING AND I GOT THREE! COMIC BOOKS. FOR FUCKING FREE. ITS NOT ALL A LIE TO GET PPL TO BUY MORE SHIT!!

nah it was chill. i was pretty low energy the whole time (what happens after a bunch of emotions + dealing with ppl) but it was still fun.

anyways i got my grubby little hands on the EU 2025 special (BAND AU BAND AU BAND AU BAN-) and the 2024 eu special but also the worst bot ever comic thing with ballpoint.

it's a way lighter comic compared to the others but i think thats cool. it was funny to read and yeah.

..it feels like there is something else i should be talking about? like im forgetting something....

actually its my site and i get to ramble abt whatever the fuck i want so take this XD
i've started going to be much earlier than before, (usually asleep b4 midnight) which i pretty awseom bcz then i get to see the sun and participate in life (which can b nice) but it also means that i hit 9 PM and im like.. ok when am i getting to bed... then i hit 10 PM and its like.. why am i not in bed... (with that tho imma leave (hopefully ill update the site a bit tomorrow? i've got some other stuff i'd like to do too) because its just past 11 PM.

see you later, alligator!

April 27, 2025

tired but whatever. im sitting in my room at my computer but the sun is shining and making it hard to see what's on the screen (im probably going to have a headache again). i want to keep working on making a transformers au (becuase that would be fun) but im having such a hard time watching canon stuff (and reading lol) and also making my oc (actually gained an oc from a weird dream i had... yay?)

ive actually been really anxious because of free comic book day XD because thei're doing a comic for the tf skybound run and i really want to get it (it has bluestreak! in a band! with jazz and arcee and blurr and cliffjumper!) but i dont know how FCBD works or if the comic store i go to participates, and i guess because of the little neurodivergend i am that doesnt help. i get all panicky about all the information (the stores website doesnt have a lot of info on it, and other than that they have a facebook page but i dont have a facebook account so i cant see their updates. and facebook is lay out really weirdly (can you tell tumblr almost the only social media app i use? and i use it with X-Kit Rewritten so even then the normal tumblr layout would probably confuse me? oh well.) thankfully ive gotten to the point where the anxiety is sitting around just a little too "deeply" (in the past? embeded in the emotional level of my brain?) so i cant really do anything. it has rejoined the rest of the anxiety i always feel yay! (NOT.) (anxiety sucks, and i dont even have it as bad as others might.)

anyways im probably going to get off of neocities now and see if i can do some drawing.

sidenote: i made a sideblog on tumblr for my art, right, and its really weird because im getting notes on my posts... (admitedly i havent gotten more than 30 notes on any single post, but its tumblr. the MICRO-blogging platform) so im quite happy about that (people like my art!) (also alot of the better know parts of tumblr ARE the posts that get A LOT of likes/reblogs/comments, so its like looking at only a small percentage of what actually gets posted.

anyways ive already written a gazillion words today, im sorry. ill leave now.

April 18, 2025

havent done any work on the website in what feels like too long, but oh well.. i have a blog on tumblr for my art (with barely any stuff on it lol) and im thinking that thats from where i'm going to host my art? for things like what i want to put on my "cool stuff" page i'll probably just host it on neocities...

AND i went to the comic store again (after having gone to two other stores and walking around a lot, so i was pretty tired and my social battery was in the negative, only to get much worse on the bus ride home) and i got more of the skybound transformers comics, which i am v happy about. (im going to have to take pics and put it on my website....) im also kinda curious about the other stuff in the energon universe (EU) now? like specifically the G.I. Joe (which me from a few months ago would hate ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ im just getting used to seeing them so i hate them less now lol) and the Void Rivals.. I dont actually know anything about what is happening in those comics so i would probably check them out online first (from a very reputable source, worry not).

on the bus ride downtown i had a really funny thought about one of my tf ocs so when i got home i made a (very) low effort zine about it. the drawings are ass but i had fun :)

April 7, 2025

im fucking tired.. my life has kinda been all over the place lately. made the mistake of telling someone i wanted to die (that day was specifically worse than other ones) and i got rewarded with a speech about how "other people suffer too" (i had asked something along the lines of "do most ppl have to put their life on pause like i did bcz of being depressed?" also i still have no idea if i legally have depression bcz the fucking report thing is worded THE ABSOLUTE WORST. like. guys. i have no idea what the fuck you mean by this??? anyways. my bad for not fucking understanding your shitty ass legal jargon.)

and then another day i went with a friend to a comic store which was awesome.

i love my friends, they are the awesomest of the awesome.

i bought a bunch of the new transfoerms skybound comics (which i am SUPER HAPPY ABOUT!) and it was nice out that day and now i have transformers comics.

i finally get to one up Sibling One [imagine a creepy creature grinning evily, thats me right now]

anyways i love transformers so much it hurts sometimes. its unreal. literlaly the best explaiation is its how i would imagine falling in love would be for an alloromantic person.

me when i am aromantic and i just fell DEEPLY in love with tranfsormers....

also the amount of transformers i would absolutely kiss... (when im horny, which is rarely) i would absolutely fuck them. AS A TRANSFOERMER MYSELF. because EWWW I HATE MY FUCKING HUMAN BODY WHY THE FUCK AM I TRAPPED IN IT I NEED TO GET OUT!!!!

also the amount of body dysmorphia (i think thats the word) i have been feeling lately...

like the reason i dont feel trans is because if i could have the body i wanted i would take a transformer body. i ain't sticking around in this puny flesh thing ok?

March 14, 2025

yooo im back. ik ik thank you for the applause.

im really tired right now because i didnt sleep... its 9 14 am rn btw.

i decided that it was actually a great idea to not sleep so i spent the night on tumblr and random websites. helps that i watched tv till around 1 30 am....

i went to see a Kraftwerk concert thought!!! it was really fun, and it was awesome too because its fricken KRAFTWERK!!

I came home at the end of the trip with some cool stuff:
1 kraftwerk tee shirt. im wearing it rn :D
2 a kraftwerk patch
3 transformers: one DVD!!! supre happy about that I LOVE TRANSFORMERS SO FUCKING MUCH OMG
4 a linkin park cd! hybrid theory bcz its a banger album.

the trip was really fun too.

and if for a few minutes of the concert prowl was sitting w/ me and vibing.. yes he was. it was nice that he could come, even for just a short bit

February 25, 2025

Hello Folx!!!

I dont really know what to put here. I'm often scared I will say too much on the internet so that's not helping XD.

I started listening to Linkin Park more seriously recently, and I found their "Hybrid Theory" album. It's been playing on loop for a few days now. I really like it. It's just really raw, and the lyrics resonate in me.

I've also been interested in Transformers for a few months now, but I still haven't gotten round to reading the comics. Sibling One keeps bugging me about it, and I feel guilty... I do want to read the comics, I've often found American Comics a quite hard medium to read. Somthing about the art style and text fonts, I suppose.
That's one advantage to watching the shows, is that I find them easier to digest. My favourite so far is definitly Earthspark. I've started the G1 cartoon, but I'm going slowly. Sibling One watched Animated and quite enjoyed it. I, on the other hand, barely got through a few episodes. Something about it really annoyse me. Oh well. Same with Prime. I don't mind watching the episodes, but it's quite hard to actually sit down to watch.

On the whole thought, I do look forwards to looking at more Transformers stuff.

Fan content is a lot easier for me to motivate myself to look at, which, looking at myself, I think makes sense.