my blog XP
December 10, 2025
2:20 PM
Sorry for not locking in... I'm back for real and I'm going to try and actually get some stuff done 🫡
5:22 PM
I can't keep doing this. Genuinely once a day I have to sit around and think or look at transformers and then BOOM out of nowhere I've got tears welling up. I DON"T WANNA CRY CUZ OF TRANSFORMERS EVEN IF ITS FROM MY LOVE.
5:45 PM
My need to read last stand of the wreckers grows stronger.... springer...... but i have to get there in the timeline first. RHAHHHHAHHHHHHHHH.
my head hurts. transformres are hard to draw.
10:30 PM...
Yea I'm back to whine. I don't wanna have to go buy tf skybound #27.... GRHAHHHHH the store is too far away and I have to take the public transit and I have to pay and it fills me with so much anxiety. It's so hard to do things. I really should just go anyways but.. I'm scared. And also IDK if by me talking about doing it it's going to make me NOT do it. I DONT KNOWWWWWWW... Fucking hell I hate anxiety. And the fact that leaving the house can be so stressfull.
And also I'm all alone in my room again and like... I can tell. I feel so lonely. Strannngeee.. It would be unfortunate if I found something else to amuse myself with. Like Transformers. Maybe I should re-re-re-watch the '86 movie. I like Hot Rod. Or I could get my journal and actually update it... RAHHHH I DONT FUCKING KNOW. I"VE PUT TOO MUCH EFFORT INTO BEING ALIVE THAT IM COMPLETELY CRASHING NOW I DON"T KNOW WHAT TO DO FUCK FUCK FUCK
By gumm it's so fucking cool that other people have websites. It's so fucking cool that other people have looked at my website and maybe even like it. It's so cool. Yeah. Cool. LIKE I MADE SOMETHING "ND PPL LOOKED AT IT AND MIGHT EVEN HAVE LIKED IT????? I love being able to look at other websites that mention Transformers. I often check the tag on Neocities to see if there are any new ones or if any have been updated recently.
11:34 PM
I'm listening to music now and writing about my new tf oc and maybe I'll live. Maybe I can make it to tomorrow. I just have to remember that just because everything sucks so bad right now, it won't necesarly suck tomorrow. I'm trying to not stop thinking about transformers or my writting for too long because otherwise I remember that I exist and.. I really don't want that. Maybe I should switch up the formating on this page. It's not the most convinient to navigate. Oh well.
11:47 PM
The urge to be gross is growing strong. Not gross in a sex/masturbation way, I don't really consider that the same kind of gross. Gross in a "rotting alive" kind of way. Rotting in my brain and my opinions and mean and unhelpfull. I have to keep trying to be a good person thought. Because. It's wrong to be bad, to do things wrong. (Don't tell my therapist I said that.) I think I'm going to eat a candy cane.
December 9, 2025
11:17 AM
Sorry about never coming back to finish up on the 7th. Something objectively more important than maintaining my website came up so I did that instead. I would have updated on the 8th but I didn't touch my computer at all, except to transfer the '86 movie file so we could watch it from the tv computer
I woke up at 8 AM today... That's the earliest I've naturally woken up in so long. I slept around 5 hours and a half. I'm sure I'm going to feel it later on. I need to eat something too. Ugh.
Other than that, my life's been pretty boring. I drew a bunch last night (in a very sleep deprived state - I have no idea what I was doing), so I'm glad about that. I need to write some more reviews (and read more spotlights.. heh) and I figure that I can just throw in some reviews for things I haven't necesarly seen recently. Oh and I have to remember to post to my tumblr gimick blog..
Pretend its not 12:27 AM
Just wanted to pop by an reaffirm that I will be actually updating this site soon. I would do it now but... I need to get to bed. 8 AM is too early to be going to bed at 2 AM. Not sure how well this whole "going to bed earlier" is going to work out but I figure it's about time to find out.
I really need to write the tv that i've watched recently in my notebook... I really need to write more in it. And draw. And and and and.
Alright, goodnight! See you tomorrow, hopefully!
December 7, 2025
1:30 PM
gahh i'm so tired... I woke up at 8:44 AM (which is wayy earlier compared to my usual) and I'm also kinda annoyed.. I don't really know why. Something is bugging me but I can't tell what..
Regardless of all that, I need to reply to Bliss in my guestbook (so cool that other people have looked at my website... I'm honoured) and I also gotta write out my thoughts on Devastation, cuz I got round to reading it yesterday. I drew Transformers again last night (mostly cuz there's an OC I want to ship with Onslaught...........) so I'm happy about that. I'm trying to draw more today but.. It's hard.
I keep writing 2026 when I write these blog entries and I think it's kinda funny. I'm trying to avoid spending too long thinking about the fact that with everyday that passes we are closer to 2026 and I'm closer to turning a year older.. It's so weird to think I'm still alive. I don't want to die anymore, and I experience joy at existing (which is nice) but it's weird to look back and see how.. bad it was. I feel stupid saying it was bad cuz tons of people have it so much worse but like... It's my life. I wanted to die. (Not specifically like "plan out the most reasonable way to kill myself" kind of die. I'm too scared of being in pain for that LOL It was always something more along the lines of "I'll get run over by a bus one day after school" or "The car is going to swerve into the oncoming traffic and we'll all die" type stuff. Just some magicall low effort death.)
Anyways I don't really know why I decided to write about that. It's kinda random. I'm exited thought because "for" Christmas I'm going to get the Ravage album CD... Cybertronic Spree... I decided to ask for it since.. I don't know what else to ask for Christmas. Also because if I don't ask for anything I won't get anything. I doubt the CD will arrive in time for Christmas but I don't mind.
Christmas approaching is strange. I've been thinking a lot more about how.. christian North America is. You drive down streets in December and there are often houses decorated in large amounts of lights and Santa-ish decorations, but nobody really does anything for other religions. It's weird. I've known, of course, for a while how christina it is around here but only recently has it been something I think about. I think that's in part because I have time to think about it, and Christmas no longer has that same magic as it did when I was little, and I also see more "christmas hate". It's not hatred per say, just a calling out, if you will. I've got easier access to other peoples experiences.
I like getting presents (stuff I like), and that's not explicitely tied to Christmas.
2:04 PM
Ok so my current theories to why I'm annoyed: 1) i havent eaten any food 2) i'm wearing nailpolish {disphoria and also the sensation on my fingernails is horrible} 3) its too hot in my room/i'm too hot 4)I'm anxious abt smth that i shouldnt be (like updating my reviews page or drawing fanart)
2:29 PM
i want to add to my reviews but i also really want to draw... oughh... guess i'm going to draw ¯\_ (ツ)_/¯
i'll prolly be back later today to add more stuff here
December 6, 2025
1:14 AM
OK so i wanted this to go with the 5ths writing but its past midnight so rip that lmao
I hung out with my firends and had a blast and a half they're all so awesome i love them
new onslaught figure available for preorder which reminds me i should look out for a cheap onslaught...
and new eaarthspark season!!!! i think it's probably going to be pretty bad but im looking forwards to watching it. I will FOR SURE review it and ad ALL MY AMAZING OPINIONS to my website (so I'm very exited about that too) I just have to download the totaly legal files first...
11:34 AM
I'm back and still tired. I went to bed like an hour after writing that ^. I didn't want to get out of bed this morning but I was starting to feel horrible just laying down. Also my back was hurting (it still does). I've checked Tumblr already and I've seen people be dissapointed in ES s4... Ugh I should probably filter the tag out bcz I don't wanna see that. Then I was sad bcz mechncheese said that Bluestreak and Chitchat wouldn't get along very well :( Oh well I suppose.
There's a bunch of stuff I want to do today but I feel really discombobulated and confused so I don't know how much I'll actually manage to get done. And I think that I'll be out of the house for a while too (but I never keep track of from when to when------ Update from like genuinely seconds after I wrote that: It's confirmed I'm going out today but I get to drive the car (which is awesome, I love driving). I'll have to update stuff later. (And watch Earthspark... I'm scared but also not that worried. It's transformers, ofc it's not the most amazing thing ever.)
Also I really need to add a section for links to other websites/resources. I've been delaying that bcz I don't have the right "workspace" but also... I should probably skedadle and do that. I feel like once I make it I'll either use it A TON and update it really often or I'll forget about it. We'll see, I suppose.
OH and I need to work on fixing my css. I've been thinking about it at the back of my brain for a few days now and: I think that I forgot you can use :auto as the height parameter for images.. that should fix my problem with background images. And I think that my homepage could use some work... it's set to be IDEK how wide so it loads funny. So I think that if I toy with that for a little while I could figure out how to make it work better. Now I really have to go get ready thought, I keep delaying that cuz I think of something else to add here XD
7:03 PM
I just finished watching Earthspark season 4.... I feel like I've just come back from war. Guess who's headed over to the html file for reviews...
7:35 PM
I really need to sit down and get my act together... I feel like there's a bunch of stuff I wanted to do but I can't remember what... Like there's an OC that's been living free rent in my brain (for a ship... with characters I know zlitch about... I'm so screwed) and I really want to design him but... I don't know what he looks like!!! ARGHHHHH.
And also. I feel like there's another OC that's been kinda.. in the works in the background of my brain.. And I need to keep reading IDW but I'm scared to read Devastation... what if it makes me sad... I'm scared..
8:44 PM
EUUUUUUUU I'm sad... I feel like there was something important that I forgot... I really just need to sit down and read Devastation.. My schedules all out of wack cuz today was weird.. I look forwards to it returning to "normal".
just pretend its midnight
I procrastinated so hard I ended up raw dogging drawing transformers.. I need to get to it and lock in and all that jazz. I realised that I have a bunch of Transformers comics... I could just take pictures of those and stick them on my tf page. Like IDK what else I would do with them that involves this website but if I put them on that page that would mean I get to show them off. And I like showing my stuff off.. Plus I don't have 15 gazillion figurines and I love having STUFF and that does carry over to loving having lots of stuff on my website. So maybe that could be an accceptable compromise... Much to ponder... But I must go to bed it's half past 2 AM... I should be lying in bed rn.. OK OK I gotta go skedadle see ya later aligator
December 5, 2025
12:16 AM
yep.. im up late again. at least i've been waking up pretty consistently at around 10 am. i tend to stay in bed and half sleep for a while afterwards. anywyas thats not why i'm here.
I just wanted to say that while I've been having fun reading IDW and writing about it on my website (the feeling of reward i get from the reviews page and adding to is is very nice) I have to say that I am... not looking forwards to the next comic I have to read.
I have to read the new avengers/transformers... at least it's only 4 issues, I suppose. I can do that.
And it's good because after that I get to read a bunch of the Spotlights, which should be pretty easy. And fast.. After I read the Spotlights then I get to read Devastation, then go back to read more of the Spotlights. I think that should be pretty easy to manage.
1:13 AM
God i feel like a failiur. Yep. I know. Pretty stupid. But I do. I feel like whenever I do something I irevokably fuck it up beyond repair. That I do it wrong and backwards and like I don't fucking understand anything. FFS. I just want to feel like I did something "RIGHT" but noooooo. I get to feel like a piece of shit instead! Wow!
I've been clenching my teeth for a while now and I'm just sitting listening to a Handel CD and repeatedly clenching/unclenching my jaw to feel the pain in my teeth. It's kinda satisfying.
It's probably about time I go to bed. I hesitate because I really don't want to have to spend an hour lying in bed bored to death and also having bad thoughtsâ„¢.
1:26 PM
I've been up for a little while, and awake for longer but I'm back here editing my website. I've spent a lot of time doing that recently. It's fun and I like being able to kinda just write whatever I want. I've realised (probably again) that this Blog is really more of a journal. But thats ok I think blog is faster to write. My room is pretty cold right now (bet the rest of the house is colder thought) and I should probably put on socks but I just can't be bothered. I really didn't eat very much yesterday and NGL I'm kinda worried I won't eat much today either. It's just that I really don't feel like eating and all the food I can think of seems either disgusting or like it has really horrible and unpleasant texture or like it's just too much effort. I don't like eating in the first place so it makes it extra hard to do it anyways. On a nicer note, I'm listening to the radio again and it's playing Classical music. I have no idea who but thats ok. It makes it slightly easier to read comics. Which I should probably hurry up and do more of today. I'm at Spotlight: Galvatron now and to be honest... I hope I get to Devastation soon. I've realised how much effort it means I have to put into writing my "reviews".
3:09 PM
I'm sad cuz the guy on the radio who plays classical music has left (the host switches at 3PM) and also because I'm at Transformer: Devastation and it's got like. The exact right artsyle that matches with a screenshot I have saved of Sunstreaker's head.. I've got a bad bad feeling about this. So I'm kinda procrastinating on reading it. Also I'm pretty bored and nervous (bcz I'm going over to a friends place this evening). I keep thinking about Onslaught and Vortex, which is funny because I know like. nothing at all about them. I've just switched over to the CD of Handel so I think that I'm going to go lie down in bed for a while.
December 4, 2025
1:50 AM
I FEEL LIKE IM GOING TO EXPLODE, LIKE THERE'S AN INSANITY AND MADNESS IN MY BRAIN THAT NEVER QUITE SHOWS ITSELF BUT I KNOW ITS THERE JUST OUTSIDE OF MY GRASP
God I love transformers and i wish i was better at expressing myself (realises it might be the masking to bl-- FUCK I FORGOT TO TAKE MY MEDS) because theres some shit in my brain that needs to get out before i loose it.
so i just went to take my meds (since its closer to when i would have taken them on the 3rd than when i will on the 4rth) and good grief i'm tired now. i should just head to bed.
2:26 AM
god thinking about rung (mtmte/ll) makes me so sick
December 2, 2025
I'm listening to the radio and its ten after 1 AM. I realised that. At some point on Sunday (now two days ago) I had a shower and. I don't know, it felt like something in my brain switched? I didn't really notice it at first, but as I stood under the water I just. felt different. nothing seemed to bother me and I was calm and ok existing. It was just really weird. Maybe I felt normal? Then I watched an episode of RID2015 and it kinda threw me off but I kept going, I was still feeling ok. But now I'm kinda back to the usual. Anxiety and brain fog almost. I don't know it was just kind of confusing.
Regardless of that, (and ignoring the fact that I really should go to bed) I just wanted to complain. Sometimes I just have such a hard time understanding stuff. Like. It's stuff that either "shouldn't" be hard to understand but I'm just taking it way out of context, or I'm not even understanding the framing in the first place.
I think about transformers so much but somehow it's still not enough. I just want to be there. Not in some primus-forsaken war where everybody dies, just in a nice place where I feel like.. me.
I wish I felt like me.
11:17PM
god i'm feel like such a terrible person sometimes. i don't really know what brought that up its just there now. fuck. the room i'm sitting in is cold. everybody else has gone to bed. i don't really know what to do. i guess that since this website is mine i can basically do whatever i want to. so since i feel like writing about my opinions i could do that. ugh. i guess i would but i also don't want to because there's lots of stuff i don't like and it brings to mind SPECIFIC people and i really don't want to fucking vague post on my website about ppl i don't like that much. like. im more mature than that right? probably not at this rate.
December 1, 2025
IM IN THE VYBERTRON WEBRING!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! so coul....... ehehehehehehe
ahem. very cool indeed. it's funny cuz you gotta send a form in (with the info to be displayed) so you know they have a "name" section. GOOD FUCKING QUESTION I DONT KNOOOOWWWKWWWWWWWW. i just put bluestreak because there's already an Orion. so. yeah. i really like bluestreak so its ok. rn im getting hit by the "i miss rid2015 sideswipe" hammer but. thats ok. i'll survive. probably. bluestreak... lowkey i remember my mom calling me bluestreak one morning? she walked in my bedroom and im lying half asleep in bed and idk. i just remember her saying 'Bluestreak'. and i think then she said something about my blanket (well, the one that's currently the blanket on top) which would make more sense, because its a blue blanket and i got it recently. its really nice and cozy and warm so it's going to be great for winter. but yeah i just remember that she called me bluestreak and i dont know if its actually what happened or not but it made me happy. but still i dont know my name. i think having a name is kinda weird. its complicated.
and im writing about robots in disguise 2015 because i finished it and miss sideswipe.. come back to me...
my leg is asleep righ tnow. its painfull. ough ough ouhg
im back like 2 hours later. im tired and i just spent so much time on tumblr. there is so much banger art on there i had to reblog it. i also had a really nice glass of lemonaid, despite it litterally being freezing outside. idk lemonaid never struck me as a winter thing. oh god its decemtner.
im going to go and see if i can squeeze anything else out for the reviews page. .i dont think i should keep calling it that because. its not really reviews you konw? its just my opinions on things. oh well.
November 28, 2025
Just emailed the person at the Cybertronian Webring... I hope I did it right.. I want to join the webring (I mean its a webring and its transformers! Who wouldn't?) but also the anxiety of sending emails is really astounding. I'm sure I did ok. I didn't swear or be mean so like, I'm probably good.
I've also done some more tv watching... I've been watching Robots in Disguise 2015 (which apparently a lot of people don't like) and it's been going pretty good, so far. I really like Sideswipe (which I figured would be the case, he checks pretty much all the right boxes XD) but I've also had to deal with the fact that it's in the aligned continuity... My nemesis. I really don't like Transformers: Prime (I don't really know why, TBH) so having TF:P Soundwave be in an episode... made me reconsider watching the show.. I'm going to keep going thought, since I will die if I never get to see Sideswipe again. And I do sorta want to watch TF:P someday.. so maybe I can count this as exposure therapy LOL.
I could totally write a bunch of stuff about TF:P but it's kinda annoying to only have.. negative things to say. Because I'm here to have fun! And I don't wanna be a downer for other people either. (Especially since I've seen others be down and it's just not that nice to be around - and I certainly don't want to help propagate those vibes.)
I want to write a "review" of Transformer: Victory (from the Japanese G1) because I really enjoyed the show but I think it's going to take some effort to sit down and explain my feelings and opinions XD.
November 26, 2025
I just finished writing a "review" of transformers: cybervrese... it was fun!
I'm glad I did that, it's making me feel like I accomplished something XD I should definitely sit down and write more reviews (I really want to voice my opinions, don't I LOL)
It's pretty much 1 AM on the dot right now so I'm going to update the log then get ready for bed.
good night everybody!
November 25, 2025
hullo again! im here to say.... i want to update my website again.. but not like. putting three new images on it or something, i mean rehaul my layout and stuff. because, while i odn't think it looks terrible, i sure do think it could look a lot better. also maybe put more transformers related stuff on it. i think that would be cool.
a long time later...
so in the end i did something which i think covers my bases good enough. i deleted a few of the pages and moved the log to the home page, and i also fought for my life with my css so that i could get different backgrounds for the different pages. i kinda broke some of the layouts (the ones more ressebmling the hompage) and now i think the sizing is more likely to be weird if you don't have like the exact same screen + settings as me, but to be honest that doesn't bother me so far so I won't do anything about it.
i think that having the more different layouts and the different backgrounds helps me to be satisfied with my website. i'm now unsatisfied with my organization re the transformers page and the reviews page, so i'm going to go write some stuff for the reviews page, just so it actuallly has a concrete example of what i want to do with it so i can better judge it.
November 20, 2025
so my head kinda hurts right now (getting flashes of intense pain near my right temple) but i still wanted to pop over here to update y'all.
I went out yesterday. That's it, that's the post.
That's a lie I have more to say XD
I went downtown by bus (as per usual) and I went and bought the 26th skybound! FINALLY! I also bought the 4th issue of Last Bot Standing (I think it's the fourth?). Then I went to one of the camera/photography stores that's genuinely a block away and I bought a new roll of 35mm film XD. Black and White, 400 ISO. Its the Ilford Delta stuff. After that I bussed over to visit sibling one at his university. We hung out for a while and he showed me around a bit, then I took public transit back to downtown and throught a very round about method re-ended up on the street with the comic store and the photography store XD. And I took the same bus line as I had a few hours earlier to get to my sibling and ended up near another camera store (that only opend at 3PM). That's the place where I had gotten the filters from. So I went in and asked if I could return them or something. I couldn't return them (because I has purchased them so long ago) but the guy said that he could buy them from me as used stuff. So I said that would be great and I got 20$ for the three filters. I don't know if that's a good price for them or not but I'll take it. It's not really like I know any better lol. Then he mentioned that instead of the cash I could take a roll of film. So basically we could do a "swap". Me being me I said yes XD and so I got a roll of coloured 200 ISO FujiFilm. I think that was the better deal monetary wise, since had I purchased the film it would have been 24$. I'm looking forwards to trying out the colour film tho - I've never used any before. And it's funny because buying the BW film was good timing since I ended up finishing the roll of film that was already in my camera. I stood around in the university with an article on how to take out film from a pentax K1000 and did my best ToT. Hopefully I did it well enough that I didn't fuck up the actual roll of film. I kept out of direct sunlight and made sure to roll the film up and everythhing so. Based on my understanding (and limited knowledge of the gear I have) the film should be fine. But that doesn't stop me from worrying!
November 18, 2025
I really hope that taking meds is going to help with. going for walks. it feels like such a stupid thing to be, you know, complaining about. "go outside" being my main goal is kinda weird. like its just kinda hard to accept that it really is that hard for me to leave the house. i often think "oh its nice today" or "it would be a good time to go for a walk" or "today would be a great day to take pictures outside" but the moment i actually tell myself i should go outside my brain just kinda. fritzes away. "no you can go outside - its too dangerous, you'll be to far from home (where its safe), you'll exist in a concrete way" and so on and so forth. it kinda makes me feel bad when i hand out with my friends too - because i feel like when we're at my house *they're* the ones doing all the hard work and I'm just leeching off of them.
regardless of all that, i really do want to up my photography game. i have a nice film camera that i like using (a pentax KM) and I also have a fancy digital camera (that we got for free from our neighbour? how awesome is that! i have a few filters for the film camera, but we bought the wrong size (i think a 50 would fit, but instead i have a 52) so someday i'll have to catch the opening hours for the store i bought them from and see if i could get some that fit. i got them a. fairly. long time ago, so i dont know if the store would accept to take them back as an exchange or return. i would bring them anyways and ask though - since i really don't have any use for them.
i also really need to up my game and go get the 26th issue of transformers skybound... it's something thats been bothering me for a little while :(.
maybe i could go downtown and get both of those things done.. someday this week. or next. or the week after that.
November 11, 2025
I wanna take more pictures. and probably put them up here. Only thing is to keep them not obvious of where I live lol. I have some pretty nice 35mm pictures from a trip (the first ever long and far away one i'd ever done, actually) that might be cool to share. I figured out how to scan stuff with the printer we have (thnaks to hot motor oil 4 lol) so I could totally scan the pictures to share them here. or even on tumblr lol.
man i really dont' like being alive most of the time. but i gotta say that i do sometimes genuinely enjoy existing. its a really nice feeling, even if i only seem to get it once in a blue moon.
November 5, 2025
im boring and lame so i made a page on this website that has all of hot motor oil 4. im not fluent in legal speech so i just hope that i dont get fucking murdered. i linked to it on my art tumblr (cuz somebody had sent an ask for them, and at the time i just linked to another person who has hmo4 posted) but it would be nice if i got like. one like and maybe even a reblog. i spent my afternoon wrangling the printer and figuring out how to scan stuff (which apparently isn't even that complicated) then i had to scan all the images (and redo the first 12, because i felt the dpi was too small.) then make the posts and page. but none of that is requiered, since after all im posting somebody elses art. im participating in the grand whatevernow of piracy. i just feel kinda bad because usually its for stuff like. officially liscensed hasbro shit. not another humans art. but oh well. in this day and age, i think its fine.
also ive got the first level of driving liscense now. im very happy and looking forwards to be able to drive for real now. (less to the second test i'll have to do, but thats ok. i just gotta practice.)
im still writing the tfone thing (tbh i wrote the draft and i havent looked at it since XD i'll get back to is someday. but a simpler thing would be to just. take pictures of my transformers figurines. cuz i have a bunch that aren't on my website yet. and it would be cool to be able to show them off lol
October 24, 2025
12:37 AM
OUgh my room is so cold ToT. I really want to eat a snack right now.
I pulled out the HTML and CSS tutorial book thing that I bought from Vallue Village. It's really old ToT. So old in fact, that it lists geocities and myspace as places you can host your website.. I think that most of the rest of the info is still fine thought. It's fun looking through the index to find the information you need instead of having to look it up.
Oh god I'm so stressed about Halloween. I'm going to a party that day and I gotta find a costume ToT. So far the only stuff I can think about is Transformers but even a simple cosplay of that would take more time than a week to make... I feel horrible to be honest. I don't think that I should be this terrified about it all. There's not much I can do thought, since I'm not about to get up and start making an Optimus Prime cosplay. I don't know if I have enough cardboard and I have zero pattern to follow. (Because considering you would be making something 3d, you'd want one. Oh god I'm so worried.
does somebody want to pay for my top surgery?
1:27AM
I think that writing img src="" as img scr="" must be one of the typos that I make that always evades me the most ToT. I'll be like "huh? the image isn't displaying?" and I'll spend a good 5 minutes tryna figure it out, then I'll glance at that part of the code and realise my typo XD.
3:25 AM
So this is a little more personal? I might delete it later, but realistically I'll just forget about it.
Click to show/hide panel. discussion abt genitalia (specifically abt bottom growth) within
I was looking at the r/GrowYourTDick (using an extension on google chrome, since i don't have an account) because I'm considering taking T (which would probably take a pretty long time to get my hands on in the first place) and I realized I have basically zero knowledge about how possible results might look. So I figured looking at other ppl's pics would help.
It was a pretty enlightening thing, to be honest. I don't really know if bottom growth is something that would bother me or not? It kinda made me realize how much I hate dislike genitals in the first place? Like I apparently really mean it when I'd rather be like a doll with no genitals. I kinda wasnt expecting that kind of reaction from myself XD.
It makes it kinda hard thought, because there are other things from T I would want. I think.
I don't know anymore :(
I just want to be. without. those things. I don't want a vagina or a uterus or a penis or testicles or anything inbetween or other.
Like, I want top surgery. I know that. But the rest? I'd be fine with more body hair. I don't mind body hair. I wish I just didn't have to deal with the whole reproductive system or excretion of food waste parts.
I think if there was an option to have a bottom part like a barbie doll, completely smooth and with nothing in there, I would jump at that opportunity XD.
thinking back to when I "mained" neutrois as my gender identity.. like. i still get it. it still makes a lot of sense. the only thing is that im ok with certain presentation things that would identify me as more "male". man i hate gender its so complicated and confusing and nothing seems to feel right. like these labels or ways of looking at it seem to always hit a few of the main points of my gender then completely disregard/oppose others.
not even my pronous really bring me that much joy. maybe it's cuz im not used to ppl using them for me but. idk its just really hard.
script/code from this demonstration on the w3schools website. the test program is taken from this lesson, also on w3schools.
4:11 AM
lowkey maybe my gender is extra fucked cuz neurodivergent?
i gotta work more on my website (broken heart emoji)
Octover 22, 2025
I feel like I'm going insane. There is so much cool stuff in the world and it makes me so exited then I'm stuck sitting at home because I don't live near Chicago, USA.
This site is trying to channel that exitement/energy somewhere, because otherwise I feel pretty awefull. It sometimes works but sometimes I take too long to get the energy out and then I can't do anything about it.
Button!!
I finally got around to making a site button. (I've been meaning to make one for a while XD.) I just opened krita and make the first thing that popped up in my mind, zero prep. Its not a very good button, but I made it and I think it's going to be just fine. Maybe someday I'll have a better idea of what I want on my button and I'll make another, but until then, this one will do just fine!!
It does kinda mean I think I gotta hurry up and start linking to cool things, start building a resources library bank of links and whatnot. (Which is also something I've been wanting to do for a while...)
October 21, 2025
I'm thinking about an uphaul of my website, with a larger focuse on Transformers?
Like switching up how the pages are set up and putting a separate page for reviews on movies etc., since I do want to start working on my writing again. I like creative writing but I would like to also improve my essays and that whole thing of presenting ideas and all that.
I don't actually have any reviews or essays yet so I'd probably want to rewatch some stuff before hand, which should be fairly easy, since I do like transfomres.
so it's pretty much four hours later than when i wrote that ^ but im back.
i've been kinda thinking about my whole "i want to write things" some more. I still want to do that, so I was looking at an old piece of homework, a movie review. I reread it and to be honest, was mortified. It was terrible. And I got a 4+ on it?? HOW.
Regardless, I realized that I would actually have to try and write something, despite the quality, because otherwise I would never get started lol! So I do want to write a review, probably something shorter, about Transformers: One. It's the film I've seen the most XD. Althought maybe I should do one of the Bayverse films I have on DVD? Eh. Maybe later. I think I'm going to struggle without a deadline, so either I try and write the whole thing as soon as possible (tonight, even) or I set a "put it on your website regardless" date for something like a week later?
I might just try and do it as much as I can tonight...
I don't really know what I'm going to write for the review, but I've got wikihow open XD so that'll probably help a little bit.
September 7, 2025
oh god i am so fucked ToT
i haven't updated this site in so long (broken heart emoji) i really want to get back to it but i keep getting distracted and just completely loosing all focus.
i've also been sleeping rly shittily like very few hours and not being able to sleep so idk
i bought minecraft thought and playing it is very fun. i gotta figure out how to host a server and run geyser so i can play w/ all mah friends
btw im thinking i might do a more major redesign of this website bcz im no longer very hapy with how it looks LMFAO
like i want it to look good but i don't actually know what i want it to look like. ugh its complicated.
ok so tahts all for 2day bcz im fucking exhausted (its gonna be 5 am soon, yay) pls pray for me guys i gotta fucking get back on the grind brah.
like i'm even behind on reading skybound transformers... behind on reading fanfiction... behind on asks on my gimmick block on tumblr... like what am i gonna mess up next (rolling eyes emoji).
also like a ridiculous amount of info on this website is now outdated chat im gonna cry
also i gotta add the disclaimr that im not religious and that obv asking for prayers is meant in a lighthearted respectfull way, as much as it can be from a rando on the internet much love yall
May 31, 2025
phewwww... im mentally really tired but thats ok. i will try my best to remember what i wanted to write before i forget.
sometimes im so cringy and i hate it but really. im cringe. whatever. im gonna be stupid on occasion and smart on occasion whatever.
im doing a drawing for a friend but im having a stupidly hard time getting started (haha just like high school i obsess over the fact that i have to get it perfect and that i have a deadline (self imposed kinda) but that still doesnt matter. i think i should go start working on it after im done fucking around on mah website (you are here) but we'll see what happens.
i feel like i also tend to write more about annoying things? but life is ok and im alive and sometimes i hate that but i feel like that less often than b4 and i have fun with my friends (they are awesome) so life is generally pretty good.
sometimes not, obviously, but im working on managing that better.
i also just binged watched transformers cyberverse and i reccomend you watch it. whoever you are. who found my website clicked on it decided they didnt hate it that much and stalked my blog.
May 4, 2025
womp womp ya'll are getting an update because im so evil (lloyd laughs evilly)
why yes i can spell why do you ask??
uh. OK SO I WENT TO THE COMIC BOOK STORE BCZ THYE SAID THEY WERE PARTICIPATING AND I GOT THREE! COMIC BOOKS. FOR FUCKING FREE. ITS NOT ALL A LIE TO GET PPL TO BUY MORE SHIT!!
nah it was chill. i was pretty low energy the whole time (what happens after a bunch of emotions + dealing with ppl) but it was still fun.
anyways i got my grubby little hands on the EU 2025 special (BAND AU BAND AU BAND AU BAN-) and the 2024 eu special but also the worst bot ever comic thing with ballpoint.
it's a way lighter comic compared to the others but i think thats cool. it was funny to read and yeah.
..it feels like there is something else i should be talking about? like im forgetting something....
actually its my site and i get to ramble abt whatever the fuck i want so take this XD
i've started going to be much earlier than before, (usually asleep b4 midnight) which i pretty awseom bcz then i get to see the sun and participate in life (which can b nice) but it also means that i hit 9 PM and im like.. ok when am i getting to bed... then i hit 10 PM and its like.. why am i not in bed... (with that tho imma leave (hopefully ill update the site a bit tomorrow? i've got some other stuff i'd like to do too) because its just past 11 PM.
see you later, alligator!
April 27, 2025
tired but whatever. im sitting in my room at my computer but the sun is shining and making it hard to see what's on the screen (im probably going to have a headache again). i want to keep working on making a transformers au (becuase that would be fun) but im having such a hard time watching canon stuff (and reading lol) and also making my oc (actually gained an oc from a weird dream i had... yay?)
ive actually been really anxious because of free comic book day XD because thei're doing a comic for the tf skybound run and i really want to get it (it has bluestreak! in a band! with jazz and arcee and blurr and cliffjumper!) but i dont know how FCBD works or if the comic store i go to participates, and i guess because of the little neurodivergend i am that doesnt help. i get all panicky about all the information (the stores website doesnt have a lot of info on it, and other than that they have a facebook page but i dont have a facebook account so i cant see their updates. and facebook is lay out really weirdly (can you tell tumblr almost the only social media app i use? and i use it with X-Kit Rewritten so even then the normal tumblr layout would probably confuse me? oh well.) thankfully ive gotten to the point where the anxiety is sitting around just a little too "deeply" (in the past? embeded in the emotional level of my brain?) so i cant really do anything. it has rejoined the rest of the anxiety i always feel yay! (NOT.) (anxiety sucks, and i dont even have it as bad as others might.)
anyways im probably going to get off of neocities now and see if i can do some drawing.
sidenote: i made a sideblog on tumblr for my art, right, and its really weird because im getting notes on my posts... (admitedly i havent gotten more than 30 notes on any single post, but its tumblr. the MICRO-blogging platform) so im quite happy about that (people like my art!) (also alot of the better know parts of tumblr ARE the posts that get A LOT of likes/reblogs/comments, so its like looking at only a small percentage of what actually gets posted.
anyways ive already written a gazillion words today, im sorry. ill leave now.
April 18, 2025
havent done any work on the website in what feels like too long, but oh well.. i have a blog on tumblr for my art (with barely any stuff on it lol) and im thinking that thats from where i'm going to host my art? for things like what i want to put on my "cool stuff" page i'll probably just host it on neocities...
AND i went to the comic store again (after having gone to two other stores and walking around a lot, so i was pretty tired and my social battery was in the negative, only to get much worse on the bus ride home) and i got more of the skybound transformers comics, which i am v happy about. (im going to have to take pics and put it on my website....) im also kinda curious about the other stuff in the energon universe (EU) now? like specifically the G.I. Joe (which me from a few months ago would hate ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ im just getting used to seeing them so i hate them less now lol) and the Void Rivals.. I dont actually know anything about what is happening in those comics so i would probably check them out online first (from a very reputable source, worry not).
on the bus ride downtown i had a really funny thought about one of my tf ocs so when i got home i made a (very) low effort zine about it. the drawings are ass but i had fun :)
April 7, 2025
im fucking tired.. my life has kinda been all over the place lately. made the mistake of telling someone i wanted to die (that day was specifically worse than other ones) and i got rewarded with a speech about how "other people suffer too" (i had asked something along the lines of "do most ppl have to put their life on pause like i did bcz of being depressed?" also i still have no idea if i legally have depression bcz the fucking report thing is worded THE ABSOLUTE WORST. like. guys. i have no idea what the fuck you mean by this??? anyways. my bad for not fucking understanding your shitty ass legal jargon.)
and then another day i went with a friend to a comic store which was awesome.
i love my friends, they are the awesomest of the awesome.
i bought a bunch of the new transfoerms skybound comics (which i am SUPER HAPPY ABOUT!) and it was nice out that day and now i have transformers comics.
i finally get to one up Sibling One [imagine a creepy creature grinning evily, thats me right now]
anyways i love transformers so much it hurts sometimes. its unreal. literlaly the best explaiation is its how i would imagine falling in love would be for an alloromantic person.
me when i am aromantic and i just fell DEEPLY in love with tranfsormers....
also the amount of transformers i would absolutely kiss... (when im horny, which is rarely) i would absolutely fuck them. AS A TRANSFOERMER MYSELF. because EWWW I HATE MY FUCKING HUMAN BODY WHY THE FUCK AM I TRAPPED IN IT I NEED TO GET OUT!!!!
also the amount of body dysmorphia (i think thats the word) i have been feeling lately...
like the reason i dont feel trans is because if i could have the body i wanted i would take a transformer body. i ain't sticking around in this puny flesh thing ok?
March 14, 2025
yooo im back. ik ik thank you for the applause.
im really tired right now because i didnt sleep... its 9 14 am rn btw.
i decided that it was actually a great idea to not sleep so i spent the night on tumblr and random websites. helps that i watched tv till around 1 30 am....
i went to see a Kraftwerk concert thought!!! it was really fun, and it was awesome too because its fricken KRAFTWERK!!
I came home at the end of the trip with some cool stuff:
1 kraftwerk tee shirt. im wearing it rn :D
2 a kraftwerk patch
3 transformers: one DVD!!! supre happy about that I LOVE TRANSFORMERS SO FUCKING MUCH OMG
4 a linkin park cd! hybrid theory bcz its a banger album.
the trip was really fun too.
and if for a few minutes of the concert prowl was sitting w/ me and vibing.. yes he was. it was nice that he could come, even for just a short bit
February 25, 2025
Hello Folx!!!
I dont really know what to put here. I'm often scared I will say too much on the internet so that's not helping XD.
I started listening to Linkin Park more seriously recently, and I found their "Hybrid Theory" album. It's been playing on loop for a few days now. I really like it. It's just really raw, and the lyrics resonate in me.
I've also been interested in Transformers for a few months now, but I still haven't gotten round to reading the comics. Sibling One keeps bugging me about it, and I feel guilty... I do want to read the comics, I've often found American Comics a quite hard medium to read. Somthing about the art style and text fonts, I suppose.
That's one advantage to watching the shows, is that I find them easier to digest. My favourite so far is definitly Earthspark. I've started the G1 cartoon, but I'm going slowly. Sibling One watched Animated and quite enjoyed it. I, on the other hand, barely got through a few episodes. Something about it really annoyse me. Oh well. Same with Prime. I don't mind watching the episodes, but it's quite hard to actually sit down to watch.
On the whole thought, I do look forwards to looking at more Transformers stuff.
Fan content is a lot easier for me to motivate myself to look at, which, looking at myself, I think makes sense.